When does it really start being you?

I've been contemplating this for awhile now - and I'm going to make every attempt not to make this a bitter, angry, rant. I said I wouldn't do that anymore and I want it to stay that way. That said, a person can only take so much nonsense until they just either 1) give up 2) break completely.

I'd personally rather not be in either camp - I think I'm better than that, however, it's hard when judgements against you are so personal.

I've held a lot of jobs. It's not because I'm someone who can't hold a job, or gets bored and leaves. It's generally a matter of circumstance: company changed management and therefore ideals and company structure, it was only temporary to begin with (see: internships, seasonal - summer work), I moved, I moved again, company was bought out.

Then this started to happen:
bar tending - mismanagement led to frustration, led to anger about job, led to me leaving

el banko - management ceased allowing me to make decisions about my career, led to frustration, led to anger, led to being stuck in a position I didn't want, led to endless talks about under performing - led to more frustration - led to me leaving.

Now this.

Sure it's only a part time gig - but sometimes those part time gigs are what allows you to buy that pint of Ben and Jerry's you could otherwise afford. Or what lets you take your puppy to the vet that you otherwise couldn't do. Sometimes a part time job is a very big deal when considering your check book.

But when do you throw in the towel? When has it become more YOU and less THEM? How do you know the difference?

A few weeks ago I was told some pretty horrific things by my manager. It was completely inappropriate and extremely unprofessional. Was it true? I don't know. I felt completely betrayed, confused and hurt. I essentially went through all the symptoms of loss. I was given a week to think about it.

Upon my return it felt like going into battle. Who was against me? How would I know? What was true and who could I trust? I had, and still have, apparently, no idea. I did, I thought, at least make an effort to keep certain attitudes in check, continue to be friendly with co-workers and members, and generally do my job and keep my mouth shut.

Still not good enough - once again I found myself in an office - door closed - face to face with my manager. Was it handled better? Sure... but there were the accusations again. Nothing had improved. Nobody wants to work with me and if they weren't telling me before it's because they are "chicken shit". I'm on a tight leash and one misstep would be my complete down fall. "It's only a matter of time."

So I'm being set up to fail? No...

How is that not being set up to fail? Waiting for someone to make their next "mistake"? How is it not expecting complete and total failure when it's your word (which at this point might as well be coming from that guy sentenced to prison for crimes against humanity) against all these mysterious people who want to bring you down?

When did what I have to say stop mattering and more importantly why?

"You've changed, you're not the same person you were a year ago." "You aren't the person we hired" "Maybe you're just a harder person now"

I don't think any of this validates what are apparently, non-stop co-worker complaints. Who are these people that have so much time on their hands that they can sit down with the manager of their part-time job and complain about someone they work with for 2-3 hours at a time? Do I have people I could complain about? Sure. I don't have that kind of time, nor do I care.

I've never been in the interest of gunning for someone to be fired. Clearly some people are.

But now, after three jobs of complete frustration and road-blocks, do I just accept that it IS me after all? Or do I chalk it up to bad situations, bad decisions, bad times, and put it all behind me?

It's easy to start being paranoid when nothing you've done for the last two years has been good enough. How is that even possible? How have I spent my whole life to this point striving to succeed, and doing just that, to just...not. How have I taken an active interest in helping others succeed only to have the "others" allegedly turn on me?

Nothing is making sense.

Perhaps it's time to cut my losses and move on - completely close that chapter in my life and just breath that sign of relief and terror. Relief that it's finally over...and terror that's IT'S OVER.

I'm not a quitter - and it takes a LOT to drive me to that decision. Usually it's because I'm determined to prove everyone wrong. There are no easy answers, and there probably will never be an ideal time to make that decision. Those things rarely align.

I think ultimately, once those people have made up their minds to bring you down, no matter how strong you are, and no matter how hard you fight against it, sometimes it's not enough. Is it right? No. Is it moral? No. How do you know when enough is enough? When do you chalk all this up to coincidence and a bad two year span, write the final chapter and call it a day?

It's really too bad there isn't a vaccine for this

Cabin fever. It's hitting eveyrone pretty hard right about now - and it's complete understandable. What's not understandable (or even forgivable) is how this is making people act towards each other. Especially while going about their business in public.

At my second job, I have to **gasp** interact with the public. I know. Most of the time it's pretty ok - but then the cabin fever sets in and all bets are off. This is particularily true since this place has multiple activites for the whole family to partake in all in one spot; especially helpful when it's been gray, cloudy, bitterly cold, depressing, and why won't it stop snowing already?? Esentially, though, once there, nobody (except us employees) want to go home.

I get it - during this particular part of the year I feel quite lucky I don't have to just sit.....at home....staring....watching the snow....watching more TV....whatever it is that people do when the "fever" hits. This doesn't mean I want to be at my second job all the waking hours I am not at my JOB job. No. We have set hours for a reason.

Which brings me to the most interesting phenonon of people going about their business whilt in the hight of the "fever". Aside from the general rudness, there is this complete lack of willingness to believe in the facts. Facts like - closing time.

I can certainly understand, was this a brand 'spankin new place, fully of shiny new things and people, not yet having a grasp on the hours of business. However, this place has been around since before I was born. Most of the people that come to this place have been coming here since before I was born. So there's no excuse for this temporary amnesia. Well, you know, except for the "fever".

Here is an example of a typically conversation I had with people on Saturday - on which day our closing time is 7pm:

Fever Victim: So you're open 'till 9 then?

Me: No, 7 tonight.

FV: Not 9?

Me: No

FV: Really? 7 huh?

Me: Yep

FV: Are you sure it's not 9?

Me: Pretty sure. Friday is 9.

FV: **tries to get me to magically change closing time with the 'sad eyes'**

Me: **reminds FV that I have other things to do with the 'tired eyes'**

FV: **sigh** Ok...so 7?

Me: Yes - 7pm.

Fv: **mopes off sadly**

Then a scene from actual closing time:

Me: **heads towards basketball courts - two young boys are shooting around while one of their father's watches. Proceed to check for stray basketballs and then pauses for a minute to see exactly how long this game will last**

Me (again): **realizes this isn't going to stop. Presense has no effect** Uh - are you almost done?

Everyone in Gym: **boys continue to shoot baskets. Father continues to stare**

Me: I'm shutting off the lights....

Everyone in Gym: **can this this kind of registers but is unpleasant so continues to ignore**

Me: We're closing - light? Off.

Father: **stirs to life!** Oh! What time do you close?

Me: 7

Father: Not 9??

Me:.....No....and I'm shutting the lights off now

Father: Well what time is it?

Me: 7...?

Boys: **Continue to shoot - although they hear the entire exchange**

Me: Ok so - lights off then!

Boys: **Discuss how to play a new shooting game**

Me: Seriously! Lights! Off! Now!

Everyone in Gym: Finally amble to the door.

The moral here is - I don't know what is it other than this post got riducliously long thus proving how much of the "fever" I have. Did you read this whole thing? Then you probably have it too.

Maybe Rabbi's just don't know how to love

We all know that the next holiday which Hallmark has approve of us to celebrate is Valentine's Day. Since today is Friday the 12th, you will most likely be wishing people a very happy Valentine's Weekend.

Or so you thought...

In my current job I have almost daily contact with a Rabbi in New York and today was no exception. I had sent him a request in an e-mail, to which he proptly replied. However his closing kind of threw me for a loop:

"Have a Good Presidents' Day Weekend"

Uh....Well I guess I can have a good of those as well. Seeing as I don't really have a sweetheart this year, then I guess I'll go ahead and take my Presidents' Day Weekend and run with it!

Just When You Thought Maybe Your Life Wasn't So Boring Afterall

I was in a pretty good mood yesterday - well aside from the fact that I was unable to attend one of my kickboxing classes (seriously, if I don't get to punch something twice a week...well pretty much all bets are off). On the way home I started composing what I thought would have been a fairly spectacular (if I do say so myself) post.

It was going to be more like a work in progress until my birthday in August. You know, kind of like a "look how far I've come" type deal. I was getting pretty excited about it - I felt like for my age I've done some fairly cool stuff, seen some fairly cool stuff, and survived some fairy crazy stuff. Basically I thought I had a decent retrospective on my hands that would be at least somewhat amusing.

So I thought....

Then I read this and thought - mmaaaaaaybe notsomuch.

You guys - the woman who writes this blog is amazing. Everyday she had amazing experiences with her son in NY. She's probably not much older than me and she's just gotten to do things I can't even imagine. This particular post is about the indy record/clothing/dance club/coffee shop she opened at age 21.

At age 21 I was still in collage, I'd done an internship with the Peninsula Music Festival , which I still think is amazing, and then graduated and headed back up north to work at a theatre. A little ho-hum in comparison.

I still think my experiences are special and I believe that there are a few people out there who might think they are pretty amazing and might think I've been the one out there doing amazing stuff. I think I have.

It's 9:15am and I'm learning lessons like a Mofo

This is classic me - and I should rename this whole thing Idiot Savant. I mean really.

Here's the thing:

Funds right now, as for most people, are tight. They were really bad last month when I was actually hired on as a permanent employee. Which - hardly makes any sense I know, but trust me. It's completely no fun be getting paid every week and then suddenly have to wait almost an entire month, with only half a paycheck, to be paid again, to get you on the "regular" schedule.

Well I don't like "regular".

Don't get me wrong, I'm NOT (emphasis on the NOT) complaining about being employed and (eventually) having money, but the transition has been a shock.

Due to the realllly tight fundage, I've had to make some adjustments. Mainly in the food area of my life. Mainly in that, I don't get to buy any.

Obviously I just can't not eat (if you don't believe me ask the Best Friend, trust me. Hungry and me? DO NOT WORK) so I bought the two things that seem to have some staying power: eggs and potatoes.

Do you have any idea the power of those two foods?

Amazing is what it is.

I believe that after this whole crazy time is over, I'll write a cookbook using pretty much just eggs and potatoes. However, lesson one will have to be how to cook those potatoes in oil and not burn the ever-loving crud out of them. I have quite a lovely picture on my phone actually.

So I was getting along - eggs, potatoes and me. Then, of course, "your car registration is due" What?? Of COURSE IT IS. This is me we're talking about here.

Well, being stretched as I already was, parting with another completely unplanned $76was, to say the least, like trying to take candy from a toddler - I put up a good fight but in the end was too weak to shield my money from the powers that be at the DMV.

SO!

Once again I found myself with all my bills paid - yay! - but now with a whole host of new problems. The dog has no food, and I have no gas.

Dilemmas.

Back in the day when I was housing my two completely insane cats, I would have fed them soup and/or cereal for a few days and they would have LIKED it until I could get some funds and buy them proper food.

Not so much with dogs. Also - I'm slightly unwilling to share my potatoes and eggs with him.

Dog food is expensive when it's a choice between a $7 bag of food for your DOG...and getting gas money to drive to your JOB for MONEY for food for your dog.

I briefly considered buying high end treats ($3!!) and cutting them up.

I took the high road - and Mr. Fairfield (that's what I call my dog), got food and I was left with $8 for gas to drive 20 minutes to work (40 round trip) for three days.

Since I've found myself in this same position last month I knew that ain't no $8 gonna get me to work for three days. Not unless it turns into that magic oil that could last for 8 days. No way.

Lucky me I had to work at the PT job and - voila! I got a tip! Now I had $9!!

So I found myself at the gas station before work, and put my whopping $9 of gas in my dead-empty tank. Which, not surprisingly, did not go that far. Not far at all. Not even a true 1/2 tank.

At this point I completely lose my mind and all my hard-earned poor people lessons and basically throw in the towel. Which leads me to writing the most ridiculous e-mail to my manager about possibly working from home, which I know she doesn't like in the first place. Just - I mean - really? Who does this stuff happen to?

I finally get my manager's response approving it - yay? Which is when I finally remember the most important lesson I've ever been told:

Kwik Trip still takes checks - good 'ole checks, not run electronically. Like - they take them to the bank to be deposited and it takes a good two days.

What's wrong with me? I guess instead of writing this I should be writing post-its to place around my car reminding me about Kwik Trip. It might look a little schizophrenic - SURE! At least I wouldn't have to write crazy - poor-house e-mails anymore.

I've also decided while I'm writing my eggs and potatoes cookbook, I'll set to write another book - a guide if you will - on how to be poor. I'll probably make it pocket sized for easy reference while on the go.

Lesson One: Kwik Trip takes checks for gas - so stop writing the humiliating e-mail to your manager!

Bonus Photo Post!

What seems like a million years ago now - I planned, what I maintain, was the best, most fabulous bridal shower, EVAR. Really. It knocked my own socks off. I can't take all the credit, however, since I was being a complete Maidzilla (this would be the Maid of Honor equivalent of a Bridezilla), the completely NON-Bridezilla Bride, reeled me back in and helped me get all the final details polished up and finished off.

Here are the pink-tabulous results.

The Beginning - practicing my piping for the cupcakes.



The Tools










The Whole Sha-Bang





Diiiaaaaamooondsss!!




Cupcakes!









A Little Bit of Everything

Get out the Swiffer - It's Dusty in Here

**tap, tap** Ahem! **tap** Hello? Anyone out there? **tap, tap**. **COUGH** Whew! Dusty in here eh? Oh! And look! Some cobwebs in the corner there. So, I'm back? I"m not sure if anyone cares, but, enough procrastinating is enough I think. This feels a little...awkward.

I want to re-dedicate myself to this blog. Mainly for selfish reasons, obviously. I love writing, and I loved the idea that I may be entertaining someone - even if it is only one person. Maybe two? Unfortunately, it's easy to lose focus, especially when everything else is in chaos and keeping one more thing on your plate seems completely unnecessary.

It is necessary though.

It's not because it's necessary to believe that there's people out there that are just waiting everyday for a new post to come up, to read the next mundane thing that happened in your life; but it's fun and it's creative and....well....why not?

I start this thing, and I don't think that it's ready to die. Not yet.

I have a million excuses - sure. My camera is on the fritz, I've moved twice in less than a month, I changed jobs, I got a dog, the dog NEEDS me.

I need this blog.

I'm hoping to start to maintain some focus, and I'm hoping for a fresh start.

So - if you were reading this - I'm asking for my second chance. If you weren't - I'm hoping that maybe you'll start. Doesn't have to be regular. But...you know...check in....see what's up. Maybe you'll find something you like. Even if you don't maybe you'll find something you weren't looking for but are glad you found.

With that - welcome back ..... and welcome!