Thursday, August 13, 2009

If you're planning on assulting me, now would be the best time, I couldn't even bend down to fight off a newborn kitten

You know what I really hate? Walking. Or actually, anything to do with using your legs. Here is a short list:

* Walking (which we just covered)
* Going up stairs
* Going down stairs
* The span of time between standing and getting ready to sit where you're basically
in a sort of squat position
* Getting up from sitting down
* Kneeling on the ground
* Standing up from kneeling on the ground
* Getting into or out of a low car
* Sitting on or getting up from the toilet.

I could go on, but I said it was going to be a short list, and since I try very hard to not lie I'm going to go ahead and stop.

It's good that I really hate doing all those things because as of right now, and since about 6:00pm last night, I cannot physically do any of those things on that list. Ok, that's actually not true. I can do them, but the amount of pain it causes makes it completely not worth it.

I've also developed this really fun sort of Frankenstein-ish walk, this being due to the fact that I cannot use my thighs to aid in my walking. I had no idea you needed your thighs that much. None.

Now I look like the Zombie Banker who's somehow developed a limp. I think even zombie's would make fun of me.

Hell, the fact that I can't even sit on the damn toilet means most 70 year olds are making fun of me. Awesome.

I'm sure by now you are wondering how you can avoid this very painful situation. You probably like sitting, standing, walking, and going to the bathroom without having to take 50 Advil before attempting to do any of those things. You probably don't want to have to have a shit-load of Botox 2 years from now to straighten out the deep wrinkles about your eyes from squinting in pain. It's quite simple actually.

Do not take kickboxing with the Nazi of kickboxing instructors.

Granted, I've missed kickboxing for about three weeks now, and, I have no doubt that regardless, that's going to cause an awful lot of pain. You can't just not go to a strenuous exercise and then three weeks later show back up and expect to walk away unscathed.


When you basically do 60 minutes of squats and lunges you're screwed. You know how I knew I was screwed? When, after the first 20 minutes of warm up, I already couldn't feel my thighs. True story. The warm-up disabled me before we'd even started.

So why would I do this to myself exactly? I'm not sure. Obviously, I know I must be gaining something - since there's all this pain involved. Gaining what, exactly, I'm not sure. Maybe a better understanding of what it's like to be 85 and off your arthritis meds? Maybe. I will say though, aside from the day after, you feel pretty self-satisfied afterwards, mainly because you can tell people "Yeah, I just got back from kickboxing" and they look really impressed even though at that point you couldn't fight off a kitten you're so sore.

Better yet, I've now taken it upon myself to make sure I get to do this: Every. Single. Week. Oh yes, I finally changed my work schedule around so that Every. Single. Week. I have to sleep on the couch because the bedroom is on the second floor.

Famous Last Words from the Kickboxing Nazi:
"Oh! Did I mention we were gonna get in shape in just one day??"

No comments:

Post a Comment