Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sometimes the best way to learn is to just let yourself go through it

Wow. So. Once again the drama is full force up in here. I'm sure you'd expect nothing less at this point. At least it keep the people entertained right? Everyone probably needs to know someone like that - if for no other reason then you can then breath a sigh of relief and be thankful that this crap doesn't happen to you - or at least on a fairly regular basis.

In short:
1) the Boyfriend started drinking again - which is BAD if you are an addict who, at one point, went to rehab for this.

2) It all came to a head on a Thursday night when I finally made plans to leave on Saturday. However, that night got so out of hand, it turned out FRIDAY was the big day.

3) By Saturday, all mt stuff was in storage and the essentials are with me at my mom's

4) Yeah - I'm 28 and I had to move back in with my mom.

5) My landlord would like me back in the house, but now the Boyfriend (I guess I should change that to EX - Boyfriend) won't leave. Never mind that I was the one paying all the bills before.

6) You know that song - the Counting Crows one? Long December? Guess who they were talking about - they just didn't know it yet.

Here's the thing - IT'S OKAY! For the last year a half I've been babysitting a 35 year old man - essentially. We were constantly cycing through these insane patterns of him being in control and then being dangerously out of control. When he went into rehab on his birthday in March I was thrilled.

I thought "THIS is why I stayed this whole time - I KNEW with enough support and love he'd realize he was worth this - that life was worth it"

I guess I thought he could be saved. From what I don't know - maybe himself.

And things were good from March until August. Until the day before my birthday. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it finally had. I was completely devistated. The writing was on the wall and at that point I figured it would only be a matter of time.

Now, I know, there's nothing I can do. Even though rehab was his idea the first time, even if it is again, he's got too much else going on in his head. He's his own worst enemy.

At first it hurt thinking that he'll find someone else - because that's what people who are master manipulators do. They move on to the next person willing to put up with the drinking and drugs and deep dark depressions. Willing to change their entire life to make sure he can have a better one.

He doesn't want that though.

He doesn't know how.

I thought when his friend passed away - a friend he was in rehab with - it would be a wake up call. Apparently he still can't see the very real consequences of his actions.

So I'll end with this - it's a quote from a song that even though I had listened to this song many times before, I never picked up on this line specifically, until right before we broke up and I had to leave the home that I love:

"There's a pattern in the system, there's a bullet in the gun, that's why I tried to save you, but it can't be done. It can't be done. " - Emily Haines Our Hell

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