Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hey "My Name is Earl" producers...I'll be expecting my royalty check any day now. By the way - you're welcome

This is probably super creepy to most people, but I’ve been planning my funeral for some time now. I’ve attend a fair amount of funerals now and I’m pretty sure of what I want and don’t want going on at mine. Mainly this includes good music – of MY choosing and no tacky dressers. There will be no “Christmas Sweaters” or any other “holiday sweaters” worn to my funeral. Just no. Honestly, they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, and especially not at my funeral. You shall be clad in all black or you’re not getting in. End of story. So plan accordingly.

So anyway – a few weeks back the boyfriend and I were driving, and we happened to pass a funeral home. Suddenly the best idea ever popped into my head: what if….instead of being all boring and laying in a casket….I was sitting up in a CHAIR to greet people as they walked in? Fantastic! And totally unexpected. But mainly fantastic!

Then last night I was pretty convinced I was going to die, so I reminded the boyfriend about my chair plans, but I told him I guess if he wanted to throw my cello in front of me, that would be ok too. This led to a discussion regarding the use of animatronics to simulate my actual playing of the cello, as well as a cello track playing to enhance the effect. Just so long as the track playing is like Yo-Yo Ma or someone equally amazing. I mean people might as well remember me for the awesome cello player that I was – even if I was never anywhere near that level of good. It’s my funeral and you’ll remember me how I want damn it!

Well in between these two conversations occurring, I happened to randomly catch an episode of “My Name is Earl”. It was fairly uneventful to start, more of the “cross this person off my list and earn some good karma” yada yada…and then….then I saw John Waters. If you don’t know who John Waters is you need to leave now and go figure it out. I’m not going to explain it here because he’s just that awesome that I shouldn’t even need to. Go ahead…I’ll wait.

Ok! Awesome right? I know. Yeah so I see John Waters playing this "creative" funeral director and get this – it’s the same idea I had about mine! At this particular funeral home they set the people up doing the things that they loved in life – like sitting in a Lay-z-Boy, watching “the game” and eating chips. Or sitting at a computer and playing games. Whatever.

This did two things: 1) Scared me into wondering if secretly the producers of “My Name is Earl” have my car bugged and 2) Solidified that fact that sitting in a chair and greeting people at my funeral would, in fact, be, like, the coolest thing ever.

Basically expect my royalty check from “My Name is Earl” any day now. It’s really only fair – especially since I had the idea first….oh wait – I just looked this up and I guess I wasn’t technically first since that episode ran in like 2007. Still…..I think I at least deserve a check to acknowledge my awesomeness at coming up with it on my own!

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