We all know that the next holiday which Hallmark has approve of us to celebrate is Valentine's Day. Since today is Friday the 12th, you will most likely be wishing people a very happy Valentine's Weekend.
Or so you thought...
In my current job I have almost daily contact with a Rabbi in New York and today was no exception. I had sent him a request in an e-mail, to which he proptly replied. However his closing kind of threw me for a loop:
"Have a Good Presidents' Day Weekend"
Uh....Well I guess I can have a good of those as well. Seeing as I don't really have a sweetheart this year, then I guess I'll go ahead and take my Presidents' Day Weekend and run with it!
Showing posts with label It's a first. Show all posts
Showing posts with label It's a first. Show all posts
Friday, February 12, 2010
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Hey "My Name is Earl" producers...I'll be expecting my royalty check any day now. By the way - you're welcome
This is probably super creepy to most people, but I’ve been planning my funeral for some time now. I’ve attend a fair amount of funerals now and I’m pretty sure of what I want and don’t want going on at mine. Mainly this includes good music – of MY choosing and no tacky dressers. There will be no “Christmas Sweaters” or any other “holiday sweaters” worn to my funeral. Just no. Honestly, they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, and especially not at my funeral. You shall be clad in all black or you’re not getting in. End of story. So plan accordingly.
So anyway – a few weeks back the boyfriend and I were driving, and we happened to pass a funeral home. Suddenly the best idea ever popped into my head: what if….instead of being all boring and laying in a casket….I was sitting up in a CHAIR to greet people as they walked in? Fantastic! And totally unexpected. But mainly fantastic!
Then last night I was pretty convinced I was going to die, so I reminded the boyfriend about my chair plans, but I told him I guess if he wanted to throw my cello in front of me, that would be ok too. This led to a discussion regarding the use of animatronics to simulate my actual playing of the cello, as well as a cello track playing to enhance the effect. Just so long as the track playing is like Yo-Yo Ma or someone equally amazing. I mean people might as well remember me for the awesome cello player that I was – even if I was never anywhere near that level of good. It’s my funeral and you’ll remember me how I want damn it!
Well in between these two conversations occurring, I happened to randomly catch an episode of “My Name is Earl”. It was fairly uneventful to start, more of the “cross this person off my list and earn some good karma” yada yada…and then….then I saw John Waters. If you don’t know who John Waters is you need to leave now and go figure it out. I’m not going to explain it here because he’s just that awesome that I shouldn’t even need to. Go ahead…I’ll wait.
Ok! Awesome right? I know. Yeah so I see John Waters playing this "creative" funeral director and get this – it’s the same idea I had about mine! At this particular funeral home they set the people up doing the things that they loved in life – like sitting in a Lay-z-Boy, watching “the game” and eating chips. Or sitting at a computer and playing games. Whatever.
This did two things: 1) Scared me into wondering if secretly the producers of “My Name is Earl” have my car bugged and 2) Solidified that fact that sitting in a chair and greeting people at my funeral would, in fact, be, like, the coolest thing ever.
Basically expect my royalty check from “My Name is Earl” any day now. It’s really only fair – especially since I had the idea first….oh wait – I just looked this up and I guess I wasn’t technically first since that episode ran in like 2007. Still…..I think I at least deserve a check to acknowledge my awesomeness at coming up with it on my own!
So anyway – a few weeks back the boyfriend and I were driving, and we happened to pass a funeral home. Suddenly the best idea ever popped into my head: what if….instead of being all boring and laying in a casket….I was sitting up in a CHAIR to greet people as they walked in? Fantastic! And totally unexpected. But mainly fantastic!
Then last night I was pretty convinced I was going to die, so I reminded the boyfriend about my chair plans, but I told him I guess if he wanted to throw my cello in front of me, that would be ok too. This led to a discussion regarding the use of animatronics to simulate my actual playing of the cello, as well as a cello track playing to enhance the effect. Just so long as the track playing is like Yo-Yo Ma or someone equally amazing. I mean people might as well remember me for the awesome cello player that I was – even if I was never anywhere near that level of good. It’s my funeral and you’ll remember me how I want damn it!
Well in between these two conversations occurring, I happened to randomly catch an episode of “My Name is Earl”. It was fairly uneventful to start, more of the “cross this person off my list and earn some good karma” yada yada…and then….then I saw John Waters. If you don’t know who John Waters is you need to leave now and go figure it out. I’m not going to explain it here because he’s just that awesome that I shouldn’t even need to. Go ahead…I’ll wait.
Ok! Awesome right? I know. Yeah so I see John Waters playing this "creative" funeral director and get this – it’s the same idea I had about mine! At this particular funeral home they set the people up doing the things that they loved in life – like sitting in a Lay-z-Boy, watching “the game” and eating chips. Or sitting at a computer and playing games. Whatever.
This did two things: 1) Scared me into wondering if secretly the producers of “My Name is Earl” have my car bugged and 2) Solidified that fact that sitting in a chair and greeting people at my funeral would, in fact, be, like, the coolest thing ever.
Basically expect my royalty check from “My Name is Earl” any day now. It’s really only fair – especially since I had the idea first….oh wait – I just looked this up and I guess I wasn’t technically first since that episode ran in like 2007. Still…..I think I at least deserve a check to acknowledge my awesomeness at coming up with it on my own!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Okay okay...NOW I get it!
I love going to open houses. When I was younger my mom used to drag me to a million of them every Sunday. Allegedly we were thinking of moving, but I’m not sure that that was the entire motivation. Really, open houses are just an excuse to be nosey and poke around other people’s houses. One thing I never understood was why there was always this emphasis on having a super luxurious bathroom and a master bedroom the size of a football stadium. I mean, of course it’s nice to have a large bathroom, and who wouldn’t want nice travertine tiled shower rather than a fiberglass enclosure? Yet I just didn’t get it. It all just seemed like stuff that, while aesthetically pleasing, what more were all these perks doing?
Yet bathrooms with whirlpool tubs the size of small wading pools seemed to make more sense than ginormous master bedrooms. Like who needs an entire separate sitting area? Or what’s with the fireplace? Who’s spending all this time in the bedroom? So much so that it’s more like a studio apartment than it is simply a bedroom. I simply: Did. Not. Get. It.
Then – about a month ago I suddenly got it. The light bulb went off and it was bright. Basically I went from about six years of living alone to being constantly surrounded by people. Constantly. Essentially the only time I’d be alone is when I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed or getting ready in the morning or in the bedroom folding clothes or getting dressed. I’d be standing in which ever room and suddenly realize it was quiet and I was alone. It was NICE. Usually it meant it was the only time during the day that I wasn’t having to talk to, entertain, smile at, yell at, or be talked to, entertained, smiled at or yelled at.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m getting more used to being in constant contact with people, especially since at el banco I now have my own office so that’s become like a little get away too. Sometimes though, you like hearing your own thoughts and just decompressing. Alone.
So that’s it – I just wanted to say that I get it. I get spending tens of thousands of dollars on remodeling what was once a closet of a bathroom or a boring, 4-walled master bedroom. Even though your inner voice can be annoying – it’s nice to be able to at least hear it once in a while.
Yet bathrooms with whirlpool tubs the size of small wading pools seemed to make more sense than ginormous master bedrooms. Like who needs an entire separate sitting area? Or what’s with the fireplace? Who’s spending all this time in the bedroom? So much so that it’s more like a studio apartment than it is simply a bedroom. I simply: Did. Not. Get. It.
Then – about a month ago I suddenly got it. The light bulb went off and it was bright. Basically I went from about six years of living alone to being constantly surrounded by people. Constantly. Essentially the only time I’d be alone is when I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed or getting ready in the morning or in the bedroom folding clothes or getting dressed. I’d be standing in which ever room and suddenly realize it was quiet and I was alone. It was NICE. Usually it meant it was the only time during the day that I wasn’t having to talk to, entertain, smile at, yell at, or be talked to, entertained, smiled at or yelled at.
Don’t get me wrong – I’m getting more used to being in constant contact with people, especially since at el banco I now have my own office so that’s become like a little get away too. Sometimes though, you like hearing your own thoughts and just decompressing. Alone.
So that’s it – I just wanted to say that I get it. I get spending tens of thousands of dollars on remodeling what was once a closet of a bathroom or a boring, 4-walled master bedroom. Even though your inner voice can be annoying – it’s nice to be able to at least hear it once in a while.
Friday, April 24, 2009
It's official, I've killed something with my big fat ass
My office is somehow swarming with ants. It’s gross. Plus now I look completely crazy. It’s like when someone tells you that their sister’s brother-in-law’s ex-finance’s daughter’s friend got lice and suddenly you’re itching your scalp for the next week? Yeah – that’s how it is with the ants. I’m itchy because I know that they are there. I spend much of my time on a crusade to squish ants and/or swat them off myself or various areas on or around my desk. Basically, I look like I’ve turned into a meth addict since I sit in my office itching and swatting at things nobody else can see except me or unless you’re reeeaaaally close to my desk. I’ve pretty much turned into the hottest banker EVAR. Obviously.
Apparently now, in my battle to be victorious over these amazingly resistant insects, they have decided to go all kamikaze and upped the game to include suicide missions. Essentially this involves sitting on my chair and waiting to see the shadow of my ass, at which time they know that the end is near. While it sounds like this is more a win for me and less so for the ants, you would be wrong. In fact I wouldn’t have ever caught on to their little strategy except that recently I’ve started changing into my gym clothes in the bathroom at work.
This really means nothing except as I was folding up my pants to put them in my bag, I noticed something on the back pocket. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be a dead ant. A dead ant….ON MY PANTS! Oooo, yes how very clever. So not only do I sit in my office all day looking monkey-shit insane while swatting at “nothing”, randomly stabbing at “nothing” on my desk and itching the entire time, but now I get to walk around all day at work with a dead ant on my pants! It’s pretty much only a matter of time before they realize the true beauty of this scenario and lay in wait in droves on my chair. Because obviously a horde of dead ants stuck to my pants would be even better…for them anyway.
On the plus side, I can now actually say I’ve killed something with my ass, which, really, I never would have thought was possible. Not that my ass isn’t capable of killing…clearly…but because I never imagined a situation where I would get the chance. Still…ants: 1; Me: 0.
Apparently now, in my battle to be victorious over these amazingly resistant insects, they have decided to go all kamikaze and upped the game to include suicide missions. Essentially this involves sitting on my chair and waiting to see the shadow of my ass, at which time they know that the end is near. While it sounds like this is more a win for me and less so for the ants, you would be wrong. In fact I wouldn’t have ever caught on to their little strategy except that recently I’ve started changing into my gym clothes in the bathroom at work.
This really means nothing except as I was folding up my pants to put them in my bag, I noticed something on the back pocket. Upon closer inspection it appeared to be a dead ant. A dead ant….ON MY PANTS! Oooo, yes how very clever. So not only do I sit in my office all day looking monkey-shit insane while swatting at “nothing”, randomly stabbing at “nothing” on my desk and itching the entire time, but now I get to walk around all day at work with a dead ant on my pants! It’s pretty much only a matter of time before they realize the true beauty of this scenario and lay in wait in droves on my chair. Because obviously a horde of dead ants stuck to my pants would be even better…for them anyway.
On the plus side, I can now actually say I’ve killed something with my ass, which, really, I never would have thought was possible. Not that my ass isn’t capable of killing…clearly…but because I never imagined a situation where I would get the chance. Still…ants: 1; Me: 0.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Alright - time to get this party started - hey take that lamp shade off your head!
Greetings! After about 2 or 3 years of fairly regular MySpace blog posts I've decided it's time to expand - afterall everyone needs some breathing room right? AND if I'm being completely honest, I tend to get most of my super spectacular must be published RIGHT NOW blog ideas while I'm at work - and do you ya think I can access MySpace at work? Nope. I can't even Twitter. It's like God hates me. Or thinks I need to be a more productive employee....huh. At any rate! Guess what I can access at work? Oh yeah! So welcome....if you've followed my MySpace blog - many thanks. While I intend to keep that one up - so as not to disappoint my many adoring fans **ahem** this will give me the opportunity to reach you quicker and more frequently. I know you're excited. I am too. Welcome - and please to enjoy!
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