Friday, May 1, 2009

If it's better than *sEx* it had better include chocolate!

Today at work we had a mini potluck which included a homemade better than sex cake. Now when I hear this immediately get ready to have a death by chocolate sort of experience. You know – chocolate cake, with chocolate frosting and topped by more chocolate candy bars. To that I say: BRING. IT. ON!

So imagine my disappointment if you can - ( you probably can’t and that’s ok that’s not entirely your fault) when that was not the case AT ALL. This cake couldn’t have been further away from chocolate if it moved to a remote desert island that had never heard of chocolate. That’s how NOT AT ALL chocolate that it was.

This is what this poser cake consisted of: yellow cake (yellow!) that seemed like it had been soaked in something b/c it was really moist - which is good! Not complaining about that. This was topped with what I initially thought, simply by looking at it, a like lemon pie filling layer. WRONG. Well wrong and right. It was the consistency of lemon pie filling but it wasn’t and it had chunks of pineapple in it. Ok sorry, but, barf. Not because of the pineapple per se, but if you are a texture person such as myself, you don’t want to be happily enjoying a moist, smooth food and suddenly get this moist chunk of food feeling. There is hardly anything worse.

Then on top of this crazy pineapple layer was a crap load of cool whip (and damn you Family Guy I can only hear the following conversation when I say or think or SEE cool whip: “No, no it’s cool wHip…you pronounce the H it’s not silent. Cool w –Hip”) then a bunch of shaved coconut and some chopped walnuts.

This cake was like straight outta the 1950’s. That’s pretty much how I feel about any desert that includes chunks of fruit in the middle and then is topped with cool whip (cool wHip) and nuts and coconut. It’s pretty much the signature of Betty Crocker when her cook books included table etiquette and how to keep a nice looking home for your big strong man.

The point here is that, that….is not better than sex cake. If someone offered me that cake or sex, even if I knew the sex would be pretty bad, I’d still pass on the cake. I really felt like an asshole when I pretty much had to turn my piece on its side and eat from the bottom and then carefully scrape the cool wHip until right before the pineapple. It just wasn’t the same.

I thought maybe the whole chocolate aspect was just a “girl thing” and that for guys maybe a combo of yellow cake, pineapple in a lemon pie filling looking substance, cool wHip, nuts and coconut IS better than sex…but like pretty much everyone in the office was raving about it and I work with only women. I guess I’m missing something. Like having gone through menopause.

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