Tuesday, June 30, 2009

It's more than just making sure you're wearing clean underware

I'm not feeling particularly witty today but I wanted to post something, so here's a little diddy I wrote a while back that I will bestow upon you now....please to enjoy!

I imagine that I'm pretty much alone in this line of thinking, but I can’t help it. Sometimes I’ll be wondering around my house, maybe I’m just putting away laundry, but suddenly I’ll wonder: If I were murdered right now, what would a crime scene investigator conclude about me based solely on looking through my things.

Whenever I mention this to someone else they ask: “Why? Do you have something really freaky stashed away in there?” No, I don’t, but that doesn’t mean that ill conceived conclusions aren't being drawn off of the stuff I do own. Besides, it wouldn't even just be my things, the boyfriend's belongings are strewn about the place too. He definitely owns more weird junk then I do.

I just think it would be really interesting to hear what someone you don't know, and who has no idea who you are, has to say about you simply by digging around your house. Would they say something like: “Clearly she’s unbalanced, just look at this CD collection..I mean Warren G next to Kenny G? We are dealing with a straight up nut job here” Then they start staring at your walls and they just can’t figure out what kind of person has thought it was a good idea to frame replicas of old 50’s style post cards that have saying on them like “Darling, Let’s Get Deeply Into Debt” or “Mortgage Payments Make me Swoon”.

Or they go through your medicine cabinet (I wouldn't advise going through mine because there is a sea of prescriptions in there that would make your head spin, aside from the fact that half of them are from old problems that it turns out I didn't even have) and that's just a whole world of possibilities.

Where they really don’t want to go is the bedroom because why is there a foot tall stuffed Eric Cartman doll dressed in his “Beefcake” beater wearing a fedora and trooper sunglasses? Why is the bed propped up with stacks of books? For the love of God what's with all the sunglasses!?!? Nobody knows except me and now I'm dead so you can't ask me you just have go ahead and draw conclusions. Unless you can find the boyfriend and ask him, but maybe the killer got him too! See? Trouble waiting to happen.

Then today, I realized another fascinating situation. What would be said about me, or rather, how would I be described, if I were the perpetrator of a crime? At work we get notices of other financials that are robbed or have suspicious activity, along with a description of the person, usually based on video surveillance and eye witness accounts. Typically they sound something like this: “White female, 25-30 year old, 5ft 5in – 5ft 7in tall, 135-140 pounds, medium build, dark hair..” etc.

What would my description sound like, and would I be offended if I were to see it later like, maybe in the paper, and think “Well surely they can’t be talking about me…that’s not how I see myself at all.” I suppose the first response might be relief because if you don't think you look like that, maybe other people won't either and then you're off the hook!

On the other hand, someone, probably a lot of someones, thought you did look like that, which also raises the probability that other people will think you look like that too. Now you're back on the hook again!

Unless the description was rather flattering, maybe it makes you taller and thinner. Yay! Don't go running around turning yourself in, or bragging to people about it though: "Oh hey! Did you see that robbery in the paper? Totally me! Isn't the description GREAT? They added about 2 inches and took off 10 pounds! Guess I don't need to go on that diet after all."

If there was a moral here it would be don't get murdered and need the CSI people to come to your house, unless you can set up a perfect "fake" house that they could investigate instead, you know one that's pretty free and clear of all the "crazy"? Also, if you commit a crime and the description of you in the paper or on the news is quite complimentary, be excited about it quietly otherwise you're definitely going to jail.

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