Friday, November 6, 2009

Please - let me share this delightful insanity with you.

As you may or may not be aware I was fortunate enough to have to leave my beautiful old house near the river and go live with....MY MOM. Awesome. Now, I'm not going to complain too much, because without my mom's willingness to take in her 28 year old daughter, I'd have to live in my two door car. Which....really awesome.

The sad part is, my mom and I have a long history into multiple altercations. Which, I'm sure to the outside world can be quite colorful. I've decided to share some of the most recent conversations we've had. Keep in mind tthese actually happened.

Scene One:
SETTING: The Best Friend's House
WHEN: Two days after moving out of the house I was sharing with the Ex.

MOM: Oh, so I forgot to tell you that we don't actually have the Internet at the house

ME: I'm sorry...what? Because I'm pretty sure I made it quite clear that was one of the major things that I REQUIRE, especially since I have 8 hours of work to make up which, incidentally requires the Internet.

MOM: Well can't you go back to where you were and use it?

ME: What? Where? The house I just moved out of?? As in, the one containing NO furniture and the Ex?

MOM: What? Are you scared?

ME: Uh...yeah?

(Note: the night I decided to leave he got so intoxicated he couldn't stand and when he finally could he stood in our kitchen and said "I feel like....I feel like burning things. I feel like burning...BABIES" and proceeded to punch our PLASTER walls)

MOM: Oh...well then I don't know what you're going to do

ME: We're done talking now.

Scene Two:
SETTING: Kitchen in my mom's house
WHEN: Two weeks before Halloween

ME: Holy crap! I want to carve pumpkins!!

GARY (mom's husband): Yeah, me too.

ME: That would be so great. I was so excited to have a house to put them out in front of and now...gone.

GARY: We can carve pumpkins.

MOM: ....Well....are you going to be here?

ME: What?

MOM: Are you going to be here?

ME: For what?

MOM: To hand out candy??

ME: Eh?? What are you talking about?? I just want to carve pumpkins...and put them on the porch. It's what you do.

MOM: Well what do you want to do with them?

ME: I don't understand. I don't want to do anything with them. I just want to carve them and put them on the porch where they go.

MOM: And then what?

ME: And then put candles in them??

MOM: So are you going to be here then for the candy?

ME: We're done talking now.

**The rest of the conversation was Gary and me just kind of staring in puzzled confusion. We honestly just wanted to carve pumpkins. I have no idea what this had to do with passing out candy. None**

Scene Three:
SCENE: Parking lot and entryway of grocery store
WHEN: Wednesday night

MOM: Where are you

ME: At the store

MOM: Well are you on the way back?

ME: What do you mean? You just watched me pull out of the driveway like 8 seconds ago. I can't possibly be on the way back already

MOM: Well I just didn't know

ME: Ok....

MOM: want to park in the garage?

ME: No...that's ok. It's more hassle since I don't have an opener.

MOM: Well you can just wake me up.

ME: No really, it's fine.

MOM: Well I should get up

ME: That's crazy..nobody NEEDS to get up at 6:30am. Especially just to close the garage door.

MOM: Well then I can have Gary call me.

ME: Uh...really, it's not that big a deal.

MOM: Well...ok then. Are you coming back?

ME: When I'm done at the store.

** 30 minutes later**
SCENE: Back at my mom's house

MOM: I've decided something.

ME: Yeah?

MOM: Yeah...I'm going to handle your finances?

ME: Really?

MOM: Yeah...I think you should give me your money and I'll take care of banking it?

ME: Really? No.

MOM: Yeah....because you just spend, spend spend.

ME: What?

MOM: It's like you can't stop spending so, I think it would be best.

ME: Uh..I was at the grocery store. Buying food.

MOM: Well if it's something you need. But I mean then you're going to Ikea? Buy more junk? No.

ME: Yeah...we're done talking now.

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