Sometimes the best way to learn is to just let yourself go through it

Wow. So. Once again the drama is full force up in here. I'm sure you'd expect nothing less at this point. At least it keep the people entertained right? Everyone probably needs to know someone like that - if for no other reason then you can then breath a sigh of relief and be thankful that this crap doesn't happen to you - or at least on a fairly regular basis.

In short:
1) the Boyfriend started drinking again - which is BAD if you are an addict who, at one point, went to rehab for this.

2) It all came to a head on a Thursday night when I finally made plans to leave on Saturday. However, that night got so out of hand, it turned out FRIDAY was the big day.

3) By Saturday, all mt stuff was in storage and the essentials are with me at my mom's

4) Yeah - I'm 28 and I had to move back in with my mom.

5) My landlord would like me back in the house, but now the Boyfriend (I guess I should change that to EX - Boyfriend) won't leave. Never mind that I was the one paying all the bills before.

6) You know that song - the Counting Crows one? Long December? Guess who they were talking about - they just didn't know it yet.

Here's the thing - IT'S OKAY! For the last year a half I've been babysitting a 35 year old man - essentially. We were constantly cycing through these insane patterns of him being in control and then being dangerously out of control. When he went into rehab on his birthday in March I was thrilled.

I thought "THIS is why I stayed this whole time - I KNEW with enough support and love he'd realize he was worth this - that life was worth it"

I guess I thought he could be saved. From what I don't know - maybe himself.

And things were good from March until August. Until the day before my birthday. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it finally had. I was completely devistated. The writing was on the wall and at that point I figured it would only be a matter of time.

Now, I know, there's nothing I can do. Even though rehab was his idea the first time, even if it is again, he's got too much else going on in his head. He's his own worst enemy.

At first it hurt thinking that he'll find someone else - because that's what people who are master manipulators do. They move on to the next person willing to put up with the drinking and drugs and deep dark depressions. Willing to change their entire life to make sure he can have a better one.

He doesn't want that though.

He doesn't know how.

I thought when his friend passed away - a friend he was in rehab with - it would be a wake up call. Apparently he still can't see the very real consequences of his actions.

So I'll end with this - it's a quote from a song that even though I had listened to this song many times before, I never picked up on this line specifically, until right before we broke up and I had to leave the home that I love:

"There's a pattern in the system, there's a bullet in the gun, that's why I tried to save you, but it can't be done. It can't be done. " - Emily Haines Our Hell

I know you thought the day would never come, you were wrong

Remember those pics I mentioned like WAY back in the day? The ones from the Boyfriend's gig at the coffee shop? Where I took so many test shots that I only got like ONE actual picture of him playing? Well - in the spirit of finally, finally starting to get some stuff done. Stuff that's been hanging over my head and mocking me each and every day it remains undone, I proudly present to you...**drum roll**
Pictures! Behold!



- One of the random shots I took while trying to figure out what setting to use on my camera, thanks to Picnik it ended up looking pretty sah-weet -




- Another coffee shop test picture. In "real life" it's this pretty cool partial bust in plaster of paris or something -



- Yet another test shot (yeah it's really NO WONDER I had no battery power left when the Boyfriend got up there!) I really like those coffee mug planters though -



- Hum...whatever could this possibly be?? Maybe it's yet another test shot...and NOT a picture of the actual show... -




- Aaaaand here it is! The ONE picture that was the reason for al the rest...The Boyfriend! -



- This one is big time courtesy of Picnik. Same Boyfriend pic with like 5 Picnik effects. Nice...right? -

Then - there was mention of some fabulous flowers inhabiting my yard. Of course they are no longer blooming - probably mostly because I suck at growing stuff. Here's what they used to look like.



- Georgeous! -




- I wish I would have known how to make these beautiful and blooming for longer than the week that they lasted -

Lastly the infamous blue mac and cheese. Remember that this was gluten free and I had added blue cheese and then let it sit for a few days. Apparently this shouldn't be done.






- This, probably pretty obviously, was the pic where I try and make smurf blue mac and cheese look "arty" -

Well - that's all she wrote for right now! I'm hoping to get some pics up of the bridal shower I recently threw for my friend. Hopefully sooner than i managed to get these taken care of. Have a GREAT weekend!

You got me feeling emotions

Once, long ago, my emotions were in check. There was a time, long ago, when I couldn't recall the last time I had cried. Could probably count on one hand the amount of times I cried in an entire year.

Then, Lord only knows what happened. Apparently someone took the cork out of the bucket.

Now, I'm as likely to cry about a schizophrenic homeless man getting a cello from Robert Downy Jr. as I am to go through a box of Kleenex watching the evil Sara McLaughlin homeless pet commercials.

What happened?

It's not so much that I mind that I've become more prone to cry at movies and long distance commericals now, but I do mind it at other times.

For instance, they tell you never to let your boss see you cry, or, if you really do need to cry at work you should excuse yourself for a minute, get it together and get on with your day. That would be a gigantic FAIL for me. Upon being told my sales aren't up to par, I had a melt down in my bosses office in front of HR. Yet, two and a half years ago when, at a different job, my boss returned from being gone all day, and promptly told me I was being let go effective immediately I sucked it in, looked her straight in the eye and said, simply, "Ok." When she asked me if I had any questions, I held my gaze and asked her "Why?". Then I found a box, packed up my stuff, got in my car, and THEN had a breakdown.

What happened to that person? Where's that internal stop that said "Hey! Buck up little camper! Get through this and THEN you can cry all you want in PRIVATE."

It would be an especially helpful thing considering the soap opera of a life I have. I'd love nothing more then to get in a fight with the Boyfriend, such as we recently did, and just get all quiet, then walk up to him real close, look him right in the eye and say, very quietly, "I think you know what you should do." and then just walk away. How fantastic? Let HIM sweat it out.

Instead there's crying (me), yelling (me), begging (me), pleading (me), complete inappropriateness (him), threats (him), yelling some more (me)...anyway it's quite messy. Then two or three days later it's cleared up.

Or in a business setting - such as the one where my route was to have a crying jag. Just sit there, unflinching, and when everyone is done saying their piece and expressing just how much I, apparently, suck at my job if you are simply basing it on sales report numbers in a slow economy, I just sit back and say "Is that all?" Nods all around perhaps, and I say "Alright then, I have some business to attend to, so if you're done wasting my time?..." and they say "Of course!" and apologize to me for further hindering my ability to service my customers since they had me sequestered in an office.

Maybe if I had a gene I'd ask for that ability. Then they'd be so confused when I wished for that that they'd just give it to me with none of those tricky gene caveat's because nobody would have ever asked for that before and it's not only completely unselfish but would benefit everyone in the long run.

You're welcome. From me AND my gene.

I have a secret...you see there's this club, and I'm not in it

I have a secret. It’s something I didn’t even realize myself until recently. In fact, I couldn’t even really put a finger on it until I was ready to admit it to myself first. It’s not a big secret and I know I’m not alone, well,l I know at least one other person that had this secret too. You’d probably never even guess if I told you to – even if I said I would wait, and I would…wait that is.

See, there’s this sort of… “club” and I’m not in it. Not really. Sure, I get invited to hang out, but I’ll never have the membership card to prove anything. Nobody will ever sit me down and show me the secret handshake, or teach me the special knock. I realize there’s really nothing I can do about this, the club is closed to me and that’s understandable, but it doesn’t stop me from being jealous. Just a tiny bit.

I’m not jealous all the time, just some of the time. And it’s not really jealously, but a sort of twinge in my heart that’s there to remind me, to keep me in check. The twinge says: “You may have been invited to the party but you don’t get to stay for the show”. It reminds me of all the things I’m not really a part of. It reminds me of all the things, that no matter how hard I try, will never be reciprocated back to me. They just can’t, and that’s ok, that’s the way it should be because some of those things aren’t mine to have. Not yet.

It’s that love between a parent and child, father and daughter. It’s the thing that’s not mine to either have, or understand. Yet, it makes you want to be part of its warm embrace, keeping you safe. That unconditional love that can only occur in those very special relationships, the ones that go much deeper than us non-parents can sometimes understand.

I had a friend who already had two children when she met her boyfriend. After awhile, he started talking about wanting children of his own, much to my friend’s surprise. She didn’t get it...but I did. I never told her though. I never told her how it’s all about being in the club, about not only having that special parent-child bond, but that parent-parent bond as well. How you want to be able to look at a child doing something amazing and then reach over and take the hand of the person who created that amazing thing with you.


There’s someone else I can’t tell this too. I think he senses it, but he’s getting it wrong. He’s misinterpreting the jealously as a competition for his love. That’s not the case. There is no competition, and the love isn’t created equal, nor should it be. He doesn’t understand the way my friend didn’t understand. He’s already in the club. I’m still standing outside the gates, watching it all happen from between the iron bars.

So in the spirit of complete laziness I'm phoning it in at part 3 of ?

Yeah so I'm totally over this post. I guess I was assuming that nothing more interesting would happen in the next couple weeks. Blthhhhh!!! Apparently I forgot who I was there for a minute! Silly me.

To give a really quick summary since otherwise I'd be leaving you (assuming anyone is even reading this anymore) right smack dab in the middle of a sentence. So ok - please keep in mind I suck at summaries, because clearly I've very long winded, that or I just don't know how to segue properly into a new paragraph because hey look! I'm STILL talking. Ok ok, here we go:

Came back from Tennessee to find out my Uncle's party was canceled because he was in poor health.

Head up to the big D.C. on Saturday with the Boyfriend and am informed that he passed away the day before. Much crying ensues.

Stay the night and head back on Sunday.

Spend Monday crying and trying to find people to switch shifts with for job #2. Yes that's right I said switch shifts not "to work them for me" so I end up working Monday night. Awesome.

Go back up on Tuesday with the Boyfriend, where we proceed to spend an insane amount of money since I really enjoy showing people around one of my favortist places. No regrets though because really? When will we be able to do that again? Most likely not anytime in the near future.

The visitation and funeral were really nice. Since my Uncle was an extremely good baseball player we all signed baseballs to put in the casket.

Came back late Thursday.

Then it was back to the real world - which not only sucks, but made me realize I just don't like this whole "working" thing. I mean I think I'd be willing to work some sort of part time job, but I'm so over a 40 hour job plus another 15 at my part time job on top of it.

Plus? I just look better when I get more sleep - OBVIOUSLY so I mean really I'm only thinking about you and when you have to look at me. So see how unselfish I am? I would totally not work to look good for you.

I know! And you're welcome

Part 2 of ? Of My Own Personal Soap Opera

Yesterday I had just finally left my house - at that point as quickly as possible because who doesn't want to hurry up and get to the hospital? Well me but only because the vising hours seem very restrictive when you're on a tight schedule. However, when I was IN the hospital ....no, scratch that, even when I was in the the hospital I would have liked slightly longer vising hours.

ANYWAY....

I visited with Best Friend and her new addition Little C. I also helped her "escape" from the hospital so we could walk half a mile away so she could smoke. So yeah, I'm so awesome I helped my friend break all sorts of New Mommy rules. But you know...when that "new Mommy" has had two other children and they turned out just fine, you don't get to have a say in "what's best".

Then it was off to collect my Benjamin's from my mom for my plethora of medical bills, hit the grocery store and head home. Only, when I got home, I realized I didn't want to be there quite yet, mainly because the more I looked around the more stuff I found tucked away or just plain hidden. I think the last straw was finding the "I Love You" post-it from the Boyfriend that was stuck to my bedroom mirror now stuck to the shoe rack in the closet!

With my stress and rage levels shooting off the charts at this point, I decided that obviously the very best option was to grab a blanket, pillow, book and radio and sleep on the living floor of my now unfurnished apartment across town. Oh yes - I was that mad. You can pretty much bet things have taken a pretty sour turn when I no longer want to be in the same house as you - unless you want to die in your sleep. Then the situation is most likely on your side.

Of course, I figured I'd be missed right away but apparently that didn't occur until the next morning . But, eventually we worked it all out once it was explained that the Boyfriend needed to keep the "separate living" lie alive for when the Daughter's mom came into our home. That's all well and good, but then you need to tell me these things. There is no way I'd have any idea to ask a question on like that. NONE. Besides, there's a whole issue with asking the Boyfriend questions in the first place, so usually unless information is readily provided it's best to just wait and see how it plays out. This can go one of two ways - like the way it went, or worse. Rarely does it end happily with complete understanding and nobody storming out of house. That would be nice though.

Moving on....

I still had quite the list to accomplish even though I had mange to cross a whopping three whole things off. It was really more like 1 thing since every time I turned around I was adding to the list rather then subtracting from it making it more of a two steps forward, one step back scenario.

Luckily, the Boyfriend decided to step it up in project "You Better Help Megan Reduce her Stress Levels Before Mass Destruction Ensues" meaning he cleaned out my car and washed it, and then obsessed over the water that was still mysteriously dripping down the sides every once in awhile. It's always such an adventure when you wash your car, especially when you feel like you did a pretty good job drying it only to find out 2 hours later that apparently steal is more absorbent than you realized and water continues to course down the sides of your windows and doors leaving ugly water marks behind.

Miraculously, we also managed to fit in a bunch of other errands I needed to get taken care of AND attend a pool party at Job #2, where we stuffed ourselves with brats, potato salad, soda, and chips. Then I went home to pack and make myself a collection of mix CD's cleverly entitled "Road Trippin" 1-5 (if you're wondering, yes I AM a certified genius...why ever do you ask?)

Sunday started out with a flurry of activity getting myself and my car ready for the trip and culminated in a huge lunch before I settled in for my 10 hour drive to Tennessee. Most people hear that and are pretty sure they would loose their minds around hour 4 or 5, but you really have to try it sometime. The first time I drove to TN alone I was terrified. I was mostly scared of something happening, like being attacked, or robbed or getting in an accident and nobody knowing what happened. However, after I successfully navigated the first trip I knew that this time would be a lot better. Besides that - it's 10 hours of complete ALONE time.

You get to listen to whatever music in what, in whatever order you want as LOUD as you want. You stop when you want, eat what you want and drive how you want. You don't have to entertain, speak to, listen to, or care about anybody else. It's pretty zen really - and possibly the best 10 hours you can spend. As long as you put yourself in the right mind frame to start out and you just settle in, the time goes fairly quickly.

The trip was nice. I didn't get to see as much family as I would have liked, but that's mainly my own fault for not calling people ahead of time. Which isn't really my fault so much as I just don't like calling people so if I could have simply e-mailed them I'm sure we could have avoided a miscommunication in the first place.

By Thursday I had re-established my Southern accent and was ready to head home.

Part Three most likely on Monday

Part One of ? of the Last Two Weeks of My Soap Opera of a Life

Well hello there! So first we should address the issue of me being a horrible, filthy liar. Hey! Stop nodding your head over there! You don't even probably know why I'm calling myself a liar. Unless it's because, as you can probably see, there are STILL no pictures posted. What in the name of little baby jeebus tap dancing in the rain is wrong with me? How possibly hard can it be to post some damn pictures on a blog.

Normally probably not that hard, but with the two jobs, and all the pictures being on my home computer and no Internet access at job #2...well you see. PLUS there was the last two weeks of my life in there...which...well...let's take a look.

First of all probably shortly after I last posted waaaaaaaay back on July 10th, my completely insane mother calls me to tell me that my Great Uncle is on his deathbed and probably will not make it through the night. Obviously I'm immediately upset. I realize the "great" in front of "uncle" makes it seem like this is more of a distant relative, but I lived with my Great Aunt and Uncle for two years and they are simply amazing people.

So, I'm at work, upset, and having a panic attack about what the next move should be. I'm supposed to go to Tennessee to see my Dad on Sunday...do I go? Should I leave for the big D.C. to see my Great Uncle tonight? Where will I stay? Will my Dad understand? What about job #2?

By the time the Boyfriend comes to get me from work I'm a mess. Or, I supposed you could make that MORE of a mess. PLUS the Best Friend goes and decides that it was also a SUPER day to pop out her third kid. So in addition to figuring out the aforementioned paragraph there this to do:
* Must pick up prescription from Walmart before 10pm
* Must get money from mom and make deposit at bank before Sunday
* Pay bills
* Go see Best Friend and Little C in the hospital
* Figure out what in the Holy Hell is going on with my house - specifically where the hell is all my stuff?

Oh yeah - did I forget to mention that the Boyfriend forgot to mention to his daughter's mom that we live together?? Yep. So, since she was dropping of the Daughter and was apparently touring our home (which I didn't know - it turns out it was all MY FAULT for not asking the right questions? Whatever) so all my stuff had to be shoved out of way so he wouldn't look like a big fat liar. Which, in that case, he was.

You wanna know what the really best way to push me over the edge when I'm panicking and feeling really rushed and stressed out? MOVE ALL MY STUFF ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE SO I CAN'T POSSIBLY FIND IT. Yeah - see how THAT goes.

Oh and did I mention that I had T-minus 2 weeks to make, and mail 30 wedding shower invites??

Breath

I had assume (obviously completely wrongly) that the Boyfriend had gone to get my prescriptions already that day, it was the one thing I asked that get done. NOPE. So he went to go do that and I decided before continuing to have a panic attack to call my family in D.C. and see what the deal was.

Turns out my Great Uncle was "fine" meaning he wasn't going to die during the night, was stable, and, in fact, the kids were planning a fish boil for his birthday the next Saturday.

Once the Boyfriend returned, I gave him the updated situation, and, right before I could make a more graceful and less noticeable exit from my own home, an entire barrage of people came in, with gift for his Daughter. Which, is normally totally ok, but I'm in the middle of having a breakdown, I still have a legal sized to-do list, and now, apparently, I'm going to have to try and entertain people? Right.

I end up completely overwhelmed by the unexpected company, annoyed that the Boyfriend is now completely ignoring me, and pissed because I still can't find any of my stuff. I'm waiting for the Boyfriend to acknowledge the fact that I need to leave - like 15 minutes ago, but since that time never comes, I stomp around trying to find my misplaced items, since some of those are things I need to bring to the hospital for Best Friend.

I grab the rest of my stuff and get to the car only to realize guess who left it on dead empty? Now I have to go back inside and get my debit card. That done, I finally manage to leave the house - finally!

This concludes part one - if you would like to hear the parts two through who knows, because this is apparently getting much longer than I anticipated, you may tune in all the subsequent days to read them!

The Chinese Zodiac is trying to tell me my life is a lie

The boyfriend and I occasionally talk about the Zodiac, or really, usually just me when I'm trying to explain that I can't help that I wipe down the counters right after him because my Zodiac sign pretty much demands that I do it. That's not my fault it's the universe's fault so take it up with The Big Guy. Us Virgos are a little OCD. I'm sorry if that makes me hard to live with, but on the plus side, there is no way the house will ever be in complete chaos, so really he should be thanking me. You're welcome.

So there's the Western Zodiac, and then there's the Chinese Zodiac, which assigns you to certain animals based on the year you were born. I happen to be a Rooster, while the boyfriend is a Rabbit.

Since I couldn't remember what exactly the Rooster is known for...I assumed just being freaking annoying because have you ever been rudely awakened by a rooster? There is not sleeping when a rooster is around. Let me give you an image you can probably relate to: it's like being the next door neighbor of someone who owns a diesel truck. Just, you know...for instance.

Turns out, the Rooster is, among other things, a spotlight loving ego maniac! Which, sure, I'll admit I'm a bit of a stage whore, but I certainly don't mind sharing said stage. I just like performing, but usually with a group or at least one other person. That part didn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but everything else was pretty much right in line with my Western Virgo status.

Then it starts talking about who your animal is compatible with, and, it turns out that my MORTAL ENEMY (that is the exact verbiage used!) is the Rabbit...better known as....the boyfriend. That's interesting, because I certainly don't feel like he's my mortal enemy. I rather enjoy having him around, which, were we actually MORTAL ENEMIESI would assume would not be the case. I probably never would have started dating him and we most certainly wouldn't be living together. Because oh my God! Who would LIVE with their MORTAL ENEMY?? Me, apparently.

I told the boyfriend of course, since maybe I was missing something. He informed me that he knew and had been plotting for the last year. I was all "So you're just waiting for the right moment then?" He's like "Well Yeah." So I was like "Well I guess I better get on installing those surveillance cameras then eh?" He just laughed and asked me with what money I had purchased them with.

Gah! Touche young grasshopper.

So then I was all "Well I also knew a year ago and that's when I bought the cameras. I was also waiting for the most opportune moment...and I think we've finally come upon it". He really didn't seem all that concerned. Probably because I've been telling him that I've been slowly poising his coffee but he continues to live. He's not even sick. Sometimes it's like we're Mr & Mrs. Smith but without being actual assassins or having any ninja skills. Except for me because I kickbox. Although it's not like ninja style kickboxing, because that would be way cooler.

To recap:
I have no surveillance cameras and I'm apparently living with someone who, according to the Chinese Zodiac, is my MORTAL ENEMY. Awesome.

Guiding the Days of All My Bold Lives to Live

If you didn't get that title? It's a sad (very sad, I can admit that, I'm a big person) conglomeration of soap opera names*. I'd give prizes for who can guess them all correctly and first, but I'm poor, so your prize would probably be the not-so-yummy chocolate Skittles I attempted to eat at lunch yesterday. Now don't all go clamoring for them at once. Keep it civilized people!


* In case you just really have to know, or are confused because I did such a poor job the soaps are, in order: Guiding Light, Days of our Lives, All My Children, Bold and the Beautiful, One Life to Live

**Ahem!!** This is great because I don't even really have a post to get back to really, I mean at this point I could most likely just ramble on and on about soap operas, but I won't because I only watch Bold and the Beautiful and that's simply by default. Also? I'm bad with names, and this post would get very long, very quickly if I had to describe all the characters without names and with physical features only. In fact it's making me tired, and bored, and where was I going with any of this?

Sadly it's not even Monday anymore so I can't just write this whole thing off as a Monday occurrence which, obviously, everyone would understand. Nope - it's Tuesday so I'm supposed to be getting my shit together at this point right?

Right?

**tap** **tap**

**AHEM!!**

So let's see, I realized I promised some pictures, which, sadly, still have not happened. Not for lack of time really, more lack of motivation. Motivation and any sort of artistic inclination. Honestly, I was only out of it that one day, after that it was just sheer ennui that prevented me from doing anything else. That, and the list of crap I need to do that's quickly becoming extremely overwhelming, and where or where are those anxiety pills when you need 'em?? Clearly not here where they should be, keeping me breathing, and all the hair on my head and not in my clenched fists.

What's going on you may ask? A quick recap...as a side note I should warn you that this might sound a bit soap operaesque, you know, without all the evil twins and the resurrections and such, but still, if it didn't happen then this blog would be uber boring (or maybe just more uber boring) and I'd have to regal you with stories about kittens, or unicorns, or how keep getting this hangnail on my one finger that keeps turning into an infection and I wish that would just stop happening...and ANYWAY:

Wednesday: Have small bowel biopcey. Sleep for the rest of the day, except for the hour I was awake to make myself a sandwitch and take a couple of phone calls

Thursday: Have upsetting realization while talking to my financial advisor, but nothing that other people haven't already had to do, luckily it also means I don't get to work until 10am.

Manage to hit the gym for a Power Pump class at which point my stomach starts to get very angry

Pretty sure the discharge papers said I could "resume normal activity", guess it's a good thing I didn't go to spin instead

Best friend comes over with her two boys, who are happily entertained by the boyfriend, who, among other things: gave them two bottle of silly string that ended up all over a tree and the back porch (read: cement slab), make a bonfire and roast hot dogs, take a walk to the river and plan a fishing trip. Luckily my best friend and I did pretty much nothing but leisurly watch it all from the safety of our chairs.

Finish watching movie from Saturday night with the boyfriend

Cue intense and riducliously painful stomach cramps. Until 1am when I finally fall asleep.

Friday: Stomach cramps continue. After a few phone calls with the nurse/doctor/clinic it's decided I should probably just to go the ER.

Normally I would just let this slide and deal with it myself, but two pieces of my stomach/small bowel were just removed (ok albit SMALL pieces) and apparently stomache pain should NOT still be happening at this point.

Spend 2 hours in the ER to be told it's just the surgical gas stuck in my innards. Fun.

Go back to work for 45 minutes then race back to town to my second job, breaking untold amounts of traffic laws only to find that the person who was supposedly waiting for me to arrive with baited breath....is already gone.

Work until close. Which actually isn't that late.

Get home. No boyfriend.

Call cell phone, no answer.

Text, no response.

Call cell phone, nada.

Start to get worried.

I'm not saying he can't leave the house of his own accord, but typically I at least have some sort of idea about what's going on.

Start to get annoyed.

Call cell phone, leave message.

Get call back!

No, you did not tell me which friend's house you were at. No big deal, I'm just a stickler for info...much like the KGB.

Feel much better, but now lonely....and bored.

We canceled the digital cable.

We get channels 2-24.

Do you know what's on channels 2-24??
News
Simpsons
Becker
News
News
Weather
News

Try and work on computer - as now would be the perfect time to upload promised pictures on blog. Get frusterated because I can't listen to decent television in the computer room (I hate you channels 2-24!!) Get dramatic because I feel like nothing in the room is mine aside from the computer and the desk it's sitting on. Even though this isn't true, and also because I just have less stuff so you just don't see as much of it in general. Take Tramadol for stupid surgical gas stomach cramps and try to sleep (dramatically!) on the couch in front of Uptown Girls. (Shut it)

Boyfriend finds me, upon his arrival home, and correctly assumes I'm crabby and bored due to stupid no good TV channels. Luckily he brought home an awesome movie which we both managed to stay awak to watch. Yay us!

Saturday (July 4th): Comes to a crashing halt with a rather upsetting visit. We know we'll get around the this new situation (which isn't actually all that new for us), but, still, in light of the earlier part of our week...this just addds to the problems.

I suggest we go to the Farmers Market. Even when I realize it's spitting rain I never suggest we stay home. The sacrifices I make. They are intense.

Manage to get some awesome buffalo steaks practically for free (yay coupons!), discuss upcoming King of Pop's funeral with coffee shop owner, buy an amazing flower arrangement for $5.

Go home, and I realize I cannot continue living without some sort of food. Make eggs. Clean microvwave, stove, counters, and mop floors in kitchen, entryways, and bathroom.

Head upstairs to see what the boyfriend is up to, which I suspect is sleeping. Which is when I decide to take a break and, rather then upload pictures (because that would be silly!) I fall asleep too.

Finally get back up, finish cleaning, the boyfriend finds his way downstairs and makes up\s buffalo steaks, and we pretty much proceed to lounge around the rest of the day.

At no point did updating el bloggo seem like a good idea. Sorry!

Sunday: Back to work! Bright and early at 9am! Turns out it's not so bad when you have a fun co-worker.

Stop at the 'rent's afterwards to borrow the weed wacker since I've decided I cannot live one more minute staring at the weeds threatening to overtake the lawn.

Arrive home to find the boyfriend has been haaaaarrrddd at work mowing, weeding, planting tomato plants, transplanting other plants from our "ravine" to the side of the hosue and generally fixing stuff....color me shocked! And totally stoked!! We spend the rest of the day in a battle against the yard - and we totally win!

Monday: Day starts off ok until I realize I have a doctor's appointment (yes, once again!) Which puts the boyfriend in a condundrum since he wants to use the car but doesn't want to have to take me to the doctor's. In the end he decides using the car and dealing with my doctor's appointments are more beneficial.

Have panic attack when I realize I am leaving for Tennessee next week, I still have to plan a bridal shower with money I don't have and supplies I don't have since I returned most of them to pay for rent, still have another apartment to clean before the end of the month, the car is a junk heap on the inside, need OIL CHANGE....BREATH!!

The boyfriend picks me up at 2pm and tells me he finally was able to pick up the brand spankin' new electric guitar the music store was holding for him!

My neurologist actually doesn't yell at me or call me poor! Plus gives me medicine that might help my headaches AND my crazy panic attacks. Yay!!

Decide I really need to do at least one thing (finish cleaning old apartment, get oil change for car, clean car inside and out, get new bridal shower invites, get new bridal shower EVERYTHING, pay rest of the rent, BREATH) each night this week so I feel like I'm accomplishing something.

Even though we are poor I want to treat us to a decent meal, so Red Lobster it is! I even cheat and have some of their delicious bread! Oh bread how I've missed you!!!

Feeling full and happy, I know spending my gas money on food was still a good idea.

Arrive home and play with new electric guitar. This is probably the one instrument I've never played, and never had an opportunity to mess around with. And. It. Is. FANTASTIC!! I think I'm addicted.

Pry the guitar out of my own hands and load up to go clean the apartment. It's one dinky bathroom and some vacuuming. I'm pretty sure I can handle this.

Miss two calls from the boyfriend.

Call, no answer

Call, no answer

Text, no response

wait.

clean toilet

clean counter

clean mirror

Call, no answer.

Even though I KNOW everything is probably fine, I feel like I need to just go home and see what's up. I try and tell myself I'm being stupid but I just don't care. I also realize I can just say I forgot to grab the stainless steel cleaner.

Get home. The boyfriend is ok - one of his friends is having some problems though. We decide that he'll finish helping me clean the apartment then we'll deal with the friend.

On the way over, we discuss another friend, and the boyfriend decides to give him a call, only to find out some extremely bad news, at which point I know we're not going to be cleaning the bathroom, but will be going directly to the friend's house.

Arrive, with friend et al at ER around 9:30pm.

Leave ER around 1am.

I contimplate calling in to work for the morning, but realize that's probably not going to fly since I have enough of my own doctor's appointments I need to miss for.


That's that. I tried to make it as short as possible. I'm pretty sure I lost most of my 3 readers at this point anyway. If nothing else it was theraputic for me! So thanks!! I'm not so good at the short recaps - I'd try and get better but then I'd probably end up leaving out some curcial words and then it would look like a drunken monkey on crack typed this up rather than just dictating it to me.

The pictures - they are a commin. Not tonight (work until 10pm), maybe tomorrow? (although after kickboxing I think that the apartment MUST. BE. CLEANED.) Not Thursday (work again until 10pm) Potentially Friday (that might end up being bridal shower invitiation night tho), Potentially Saturday (assuming I don't go to the 2nd Job Summer Par-tay!)


I'll try and get it done before the big Tennessee trip at any rate!! :-)

I need better stories about where our stuff came from, and then new friends who will believe those stories

This weekend we had a little Father’s Day cookout at the new house. I was in the kitchen with the boyfriend’s sister, B, when the following conversation took place:

Setting: My kitchen

Conversation Reference: Large, worn gold plate with Aztec stampings. It lives on a plate stand above the kitchen cabinets and we have it under lit with white rope lights.

B: That’s cool, where did you guys get that?

What pretty much anyone else would have said:
“Oh that! We picked that up on our last jaunt to France. We were biking through the South and we saw the most adorable, old, blind, crippled, man who was selling these plates. He does it all by hand, by feel, in this dilapitaed old shed. He does all this to raise money to get his only daughter a new kidney. Just amazing. How could we not buy it?”

What actually happened:
“Oh that! Last year at Halloween it was out in the foyer at Goodwill as part of this Egyption-Halloween display. I mean I know it’s not Egyption or whatever, but the boyfriend asked if it was for sale and it was so we bought it!”

Other objects above the kitchen cabinets and their stories:

Red/Orange/Yellow Plate in stand under lit with white Christmas lights:
Pier one; However! This was bought to replace a plate that was broken by my rampaging cats and THAT plate had a cool story. I mean not as cool as the blind, old, crippled guy raising money for a kidney, but cooler then “It came from Pier One”

Cake Stand with cover made to look like 4-layer strawberry cake with Cool Whip:
My grandma in Tennessee made it and promised it to me when I was very very young.

Strawberry patterned plate in stand:
I thought it was a cool piece of old china, because the pattern is actually very retro looking. I got it at Goodwill. When I got it home I was cleaning it up and noticed on the back it said “Dishwasher Safe”…it might as well be a piece of Corningware.

Maybe I’ll just start telling people I made all this stuff and it’s for sale to benefit me! I’d still probably need new friends though…like the kind with lots of money to buy my stuff that they actually thought I made. In my shed! In the dark! Amazing!

Hum...maybe I'm NOT so good with the kiddos

This was written awhile back when the boyfriend and I were still living in my apartment. While I had forgotten about it until recently, I still think it's worth sharing. Please to enjoy.

SCENE: My apartment on a Sunday morning. The boyfriend and I have his son, Little D, and are quizzing him about what he likes to do BESDIES playing video games.

BOYFRIEND (to Little D): So what kinds of things do you do at home? Things that AREN’T playing video games?

LITTLE D: Uhhhhhh, I don’t know. Read books?

BOYFRIEND: Books! That’s cool! Like what kind of books? (Pretty much just relieved to get an answer that doesn’t involve TV in some way, shape, or form)

LITTLE D: Uhhhhhh, like comic books.

BOYFRIEND: That’s cool! I like comic books too! We have a lot in common huh!?! (I’m pretty sure he was trying on purpose to be overly psyched but who knows?)

ME: (To both of them) Gosh! That’s all just so WEIRD! It’s like you’re RELATED or something! Huh….

**crickets** And theeennnn we had to change the subject. Some people just have NO sense of humor. Losers.

At least we aren't BOTH packrats

Not only is this your super awesome bonus post but it's also a Real Conversation! Score! Plus it's Friday so how much better can this get? Answer: not much!!

Back when the boyfriend and I were still working on moving into the new place - our house (ok well not our house because its still a rental - but a house nonetheless) we were very excited to finally have actual room for all our (read: the boyfriend's) stuff!

I'm personally not a huge packrat because I tend to move at least once a year, if not more. For this reason I need to keep it pretty simple. The boyfriend? Not so much. Thennnnnn we had the following conversation one day during our moving exploits.

SCENE: Outside the new house. I'm preparing to make another trip to the apartment to bring more stuff back.

BOYFRIEND: Hey why don't you bring back some plates and glasses and stuff so that we can eat while we're moving.

ME: Ok - why do I need to bring glasses though? Didn't we just bring over a box that is actually marked "glasses"? Why don't you just unpack that one?

BOYFRIEND: No, those are glasses glasses, like for your face.

ME: I see - so you have an entire box dedicated just to glasses.

BOYFRIEND: Yes.

ME: Oh boy.

I’d like to think something like a box packed full of “glasses, like for your face” will remain packed and then find its way to the shed. Please o please o please!!

UPDATE: Since I wrote this that box of "glasses, like for your face"? It's currently unpacked and they are all sitting in their respective cases on my chest of drawers in the bedroom. I finally got him to agree to a nice basket we saw at a neighbor's rummage sale which I thought would be a lovely way to kind of corral them all in a non-hideous way....the basket is currently sitting on the side of the chest of drawers....filled with socks....**sigh**

Thursday Potluck: More on "the move", why I'm a bad person, and internet *pOrn* gone wrong

I was just re-reading some of my more recent posts - and woah there! How depressing have I been? Sometimes that just happens. So today I'm going to try very hard to be more charming and less "stand back at least 5 feet to avoid losing a limb".

The ongoing moving saga: Happily things are looking up! Lately I've been the one out running around while the boyfriend has been at home unpacking and hanging up pictures. It's so great to come home and see progress being made I cannot even tell you. Granted - most of them were his boxes to unpack anyway, but it's just good to see some of them being emptied! Sweet relief.

I do need to note that last night the boyfriend was attempting to prepare dinner and while I was getting ready in the adjacent bathroom I could hear a lot of cupboard door slamming, banging around and swearing. Basically he didn't know where anything was in the kitchen, which he later expressed to me. Do I care that you can't find anything? Not really. It wasn't like I was invisible when I was unpacking the kitchen. At any point I would have been more than willing to have some help or input on where things so go. I told him he was more than welcome to rearrange it, but if he doesn't want to then that's his business.

I was also informed that I have "taken over" the bathroom adjacent to the kitchen. Again - I would refer you to the above kitchen discussion. Also? I'm a girl - it's what happens....I don't know why this is surprising at all.

Anyway - the point is it's all good.

It's so good that last night after I got back from Madison at 11:15pm (more on that in a minute) I even stopped and picked up a pineapple and hot sauce for the boyfriend. Don't ask - it's his favorite snack not mine!

Why I'm a bad person: Well I'm not that bad really. I just feel like it. I always said that it was ridiculous to get rid of a pet. I mean, you knew what you were getting into and your pet becomes a member of your family. I mean if your kids are being destructive and obnoxious you can't just ship them off to a Child Humane Society (although think of the possibilities! Like if there were a place like that, except for leaving them there permanently it was just this place you left for like a few hours to show 'em who's boss. Then maybe you come back later and pick them back up. See if they ever do that again!)

One of my biggest peeves was people getting rid of their pets because of someone else. I just couldn't understand it. Love me love my pets. End of story.

This is why you never say never.

It's not as though the boyfriend didn't like the cats...but he was severely allergic. He did manage to get some pretty good allergy pills, but he was sick of the cat hair, as was I, and, being a bad person I just didn't have the time to brush them or give them regular baths. The cats not the boyfriend.

Additionally, we are living in yet another place that would rather us not have cats. This whole situation works out well for my mom who has always hated that I had cats and my sister who I'm pretty sure was also against it as well. Haters: 3 Me: 0

Happily though, they were taken in last night my one of my very close friends. She's fairly well acquainted with the cats so it was a pretty comfortable transition. Having their own stuff around them like litter box, food bowls and toys probably helped too. I'm sure they are completely stoked that they aren't locked away in one little room a la Anne Frank anymore.

I still feel like a bad person. **sigh**

Which brings us to....

Internet *pOrn* gone wrong: This is pretty amusing actually. I had a customer who we noticed looked like they had some unauthorized transactions. Before the person came in I was doing some research on the purchases and it revealed that they were for different *pOrn* sites.

I was pretty skeeved out. Not because I'm being a prude, but because there were LOTS and LOTS of these charges. LOTS. So...ewwww. Also? How in the world was I going to just casusually ask if they were in the habit of apparently doing nothing but watching Internet *pOrn*?

Later in the day the customer showed up....after a brief discussion it came out that the customer had one time signed up for an "adult entertainment" site (I figured the term "adult entertainment" was more appropriate in a business setting that repeatedly using the term *pOrn*) but had cancelled the membership after a week.

Since then the customer had noticed random transactions occurring on the account yet didn't do anything about them. Interesting. I can guarantee you that if something was randomly pulling $20-$40 from my account multiple times a month I'd have been in long ago.

In fraud cases we can only go back 60 days. This means I could only go back until April. Just in that period of time between April and now there were roughly 40 transactions including international service fees, that added up to about $630. That's only the ones I could count in the case. This did not include anything prior, which, in one case, there was a single charge for almost $100.

Your Thursday Learning Moment is: 1) Never use your credit card or debit card on unsecured sites online (like *pOrn* you pervs!) b) If you notice weird charges on your account I'd go to the bank ASAP III) I'm not sure why anyone is paying for Internet *pOrn* when I'm sure there's tons for free.

This was brought to you by the letter "C" and number 17

Your male PMS is completely destroying my my sanity so KNOCK IT OFF

I was all set to have this crazy rant of a post once again, but I've completely run out of steam here. I'm exhausted to the point where the bags under my eyes have their own bags. I'm bored to the point of numbness, sitting at work, and staring at the seemingly beautiful day that lies just beyond my office window and therefore just out of reach.

I long to be at the point where the moving is all done, my old apartment has cleaned its self, the cats have found a new and better home, and everything in the new place has been put away or at least is hiding behind a closet door where I can't see it.

Right now, I feel like we will never get to this point.

What surely is not helping is that apparently every man on the face of the earth is PMS'ing at the exact same time. Was there some sort of lunar change that I wasn't aware of? Not that I'm in the habit of following the cycles of the moon, but seriously.

While I'm attempting to get the rest or our stuff moved....alone, and put away our stuff in the new place...alone, and trying to find a better home for my cat that you knew I had.....alone, I need to not have to deal with male PMS right now. I have enough going on thankyouverymuch.

Also? You know what's really not helpful? When you decide that you're "tired" and go to bed at 5:30 in the evening! Meanwhile I brought over a car load of stuff....washed the floors...organized the utility room....and put together the "office". It was really great when I was attempting to put away kitchen stuff and you got all huffy because you were trying to sleep on the couch at 5:30 in the evening. Guess what? People who sleep for like 12 hours at a time? Don't get to complain when the other person works all day too, then comes home and has to deal with complete chaos alone.

That's fine...because the sooner all this is over the sooner I can attempt to regain my sanity.

P.S. I have a potential home for my cats, but nothing is certain. I really don't want to take them to the Humane Society because I'm fairly certain they will put Noel down. If you can help out and take two wonderful cats that need more attention and care then I can seem to give them please let me know! I appreciate it!!

The Secret comedy of errors

You know how some people are just naturally really lucky? Like they embody all the practices that the book/movie “The Secret” preaches, but without even really trying? That’s my boyfriend.

For instance: the other day he just casually mentions that he’s sure he can find us a house to rent he’ll just have to look around and he’s sure that something will come. Of course I am immediately assuming we’ll end up living back in the ghetto part of town in some crumbling little house that’s about to wash away in the river. This is why “The Secret” is not working for me.

So the very next day he makes one phone call, we do a quick drive-by, and the landlord, who also happens to live next door wonders over. Much discussion ensues about how we all look so familiar to each other, when we finally realize that 6 months straight of drinking every single day in the very bar our landlord used to own apparently paid off. Well now, I mean not then so much, since I was spending all the money I was making on completely intangible items. That’s neither here nor there now….so anyway the landlord loves us and tells us on the spot that the place is ours.

That’s how we ended up with our super cute, two bedroom home near the river, outside the city limits so we can burn stuff. Oh and did I mention that our landlord is letting us use a washer and dryer she already has for our laundry room, we get an entire shed for storage and she taking money off our rent since the boyfriend is pretty handy and will be doing some work around the house/yard? Yeah.

On an every day level this works for the boyfriend too. He can pretty much be just sitting there and suddenly say he needs something like a black belt or a brown hoodie or whatever and **bam** the very next day he’ll go to Goodwill and it’ll just be sitting there like he personally ordered it. Which, according to “The Secret” he pretty much did.

On the other hand, I’m that girl in the office who always seems to have some sort of crisis or drama going on. For instance: I may spend weeks searching for the perfect black cardigan, only to finally give up and settle on one that I only kinda like and is only kinda what I’m looking for just because I’m so sick of looking. Or when I ended up signing a lease with a slum lord who still owes me $1,200.

Or, this just this morning, I was trying to fix a bracelet that broke some time ago. All it really needed was the clasp glued back onto its end so it wouldn’t go flying off randomly when I wear it. With 10 minutes before I had to leave for work, I break out the Super Glue and gently try and put just a liiiiitle bit on the end of the clasp. Nothing was coming out. I squeeze a bit harder. Still nothing. Squeeze a bit harder still…and *whoosh* it spills out everywhere – including the counter and all over my hands.

I desperately want this bracelet fixed so I keep struggling to attach the end of the clasp to the end of the bracelet and while keeping my fingers in constant motion because I have to be at work in 10 minutes and I’ll be useless if I have to go in there with my hands glued together like Barbie’s unbalanced cousin Frontal Lobe Lobotomy Lisa.

I finally get the clasp all glued on there – and when I say all glued I mean that. When I checked on the bracelet a bit later, the clasp was so covered with glue that now I couldn’t actually get it open to attach it to the bit of chain at the other end and then put it on my wrist. Of course. Then in a flash of desperation, I try and force the clasp open like maybe Super Glue really isn’t that great of a bonding agent after all and, of course, the little lever you pull own to make the claw open…snaps off.

Bracelet set aside I now have to go about trying to get the now dry Super Glue off of my hands. A quick Google search tells me that I need to locate some nail polish with acetone. Super! I’m a girl and I do my nails so I have nail polish remover!

Yeah I have nail polish remover alright. Acetone free nail polish remover. I double check with Google and there are no other options unless I have time to sit and soak my hands in soapy hot water, which I don’t.

Eventually when I stop dinkin around and get my ass to work I locate some nail polish remover with acetone in the bathroom and that seems to do a fairly decent job. Of course the bottle only had like maybe an 1/8 of it left. I couldn’t really be much of a chooser at that point so I worked with it.

Basically while my boyfriend walks around like he wrote “The Secret” my life is a constant comedy of errors. I guess that pretty much mean we balance each other out….right?

But if you smile and think happy thoughts it's just supposed to get automatically better right?

I may be being a touch overdramatic here, but at this point, between the damn e-coli in the water (Yeah - it totally was - I have proof and it's not very pretty at all) all the recent doctors visits, plain old rude as crap people, and generally shittyness, my life is like one step away from a country song. I'm not going to say what would really top it off because I'm afraid that putting it in print twice (once in a text) will jinx it.

Anyway - here are the crappy events of the last roughly 24ish hours. Judge for yourself:


6:15am - The boyfriend's alarm goes off. So we're off and running. Well he is. I need like another 30 minutes before I'm even partially coherent. How in the hell he manages to jump straight outta bed and starts running around getting ready is beyond me. Although I suppose if all I had to do to get ready was pull on some crappy pants and crappy shirt, run water and gel through my hair and make coffee I could probably be more motivated too.


6:35am - Take the boyfriend to work and return home to continue getting ready.


7:50am - Yay! Blender still works! Raspberry smoothie it is!


9:00am - Door at the J-O-B open. Less than a little thrilled about having to let the people in, but I mean I guess that's fairly inveitable.


9:10am - **SLAM** **SLAM**......**SLAM** **SLAM**......**SLAM** **SLAM**....



9:20am - and some more **SLAM** **SLAM**....**SLAM** **SLAM** This is the lovley sound that our doorS...yeah that's plural..make as people just whip them open and then let them **SLAM** **SLAM** shut. Some days are worse than others. This morning is particularily bad. It seems people are really puttin' some back into opening them. Odd, since the doors are exactly the same and are no heavier than any other day. I guess people must be workin' out....


9:25am - **the screeching sounds of old woman barking away** God DAMN old people are loud as shit. I would imagine this is because they can no longer hear.


9:30am - **old women screeching**


9:35am - Oh good! Now there's like a little town hall meeting in the lobby directly outside of my office. The hell is going on out there? So in addition to **old woman screeching** there's just a general cacophony going on. I'm not sure why El Banco is like the morning meeting place right now (**SLAM** **SLAM** )Especially since there is a restaurant/coffee shop situation directly across the street. I will pay these people to kindly go over there. Like....now.


9:40am - head is pounding. Door is still slamming. People still screeching.


12:00pm - Right before I'm supposed to go to lunch (although at this point it's rather a dumb thing to do anyway since my body is constantly rejecting food) someone walks in. Of course they want to open a new account. Of course.


12:30pm - The guy was really nice - so I feel bad for getting all annoyed initally. Oops. Also? He was a priest. Ugh. Hand me my handbasket...again.


1:30pm - I had a raspberry smoothie, cottage cheese and crackers. Do you think this managed to stay down? NO. Of course not. So now I will enjoy being sick for the entire rest of the day once again.


2:00pm - 4:30pm - The door slamming has pretty much died down and there's no more town hall gatherings in the lobby so yay! However the phone is nuts. What do these people even want? I start snatching up the phone after like a ring and a half just to have mercy on my nerves so I won't have to hear it any more.


4:31pm - We get to lock the doors!! Well actually a minute ago. And had I been paying attention I would have noticed this. Since I did not another customer snuck in under the radar and so now while I'm locking the doors I'm also letting him out. Since I'm doing that, I basically have the door open, while yet another customer moseyes on up and wants to do a cash advance. You have do these inside. I have to let her in. We fall further behind.


4:35pm - We rush around trying to get things closed up. I am exhausted and the phone is still ringing. What is going on? More answering just to shut it the hell up already.


5:00pm - I am more than ready to leave. Luckily I have a FREE microdermabraison appointment scheduled at a spa. Yay! I just need to get home, change, and head over and then it's an hour of nothing but SILENCE. Sweet. Also? The rest of my friend's wedding shower invitations are in. One more thing to cross of that list!


5:35pm - Have a rather blissful drive to the spa. Usually I dread heading downtown around this time. Typically it's a mess of people driving home from work and school and that's just not a situation my blood pressure can deal with right now. Not today! It's pretty clear driving. I don't even get stuck behind or around any motorcycles and/or crotch rockets so BONUS!


5:50pm - I smile at the pretty girl behind the check-in counter at the spa. She looks confused. My stomach is knotting and not because I ate anything recently. They can't find my appointment. I can't even be mad about it because it was free. The recptionist even starts to offer to let me hang around and they can squeeze me in but then as she continutes tapping away on the keyboard realizes there are just no appointments available. She does, however, give me a few free samples and reschedules. Neither of these things is really a replacement for the kind of peace an hour of silence can give you though.

6:00pm - Drive back across town. Of course I am stuck behind/around some guy on a motorcycle who appears as though he is trying to look like he is a motorcycle gang. I don't care about how he looks - I only care that his motorcycle is loud, and made even louder when he randomly decides to rev the engine and be bound and determined to not let me pass him. Also motorcycles smell. My car neither emits a foul oder or is loud. I seriously want to tell his guy to go suck a tailpipe.

6:15pm - Arrive at Hobby Lobby while simultaneously on the phone with best friend. If nothing else she is like the second best thing to having a quiet hour at the spa - she lets me bitch as much as I want and yet still manages to make me laugh. Especially when she tells me that a mutual acquaintance who is generally all high and mighty about her marriage....is getting divorced. Huh...yeah doesn't pay to mock people from your high horse so much now does it?

On another note I find pink acrylic ice for my friend's wedding shower - yay! And the large diamond paper weights - also for the wedding shower - are 50% off!

6:40pm - I go to check out and get the invitiations that were rain checked. I was pretty sure that I already paid for them hence the buying of other things when I had like $17 in my bank account. WRONG! So then I owed money I didn't even have which was fun.

6:45pm - 11:30pm - Pretty uneventful merifully! The boyfriend was organizing his stuff and had vacuumed! (yay!!!) and I got to catch up on "Ugly Betty" AND the "Lost" season finale. Downloaded some new "vehicles" on my Garmin and finalled called it a night. Also on the plus side was my spray dry shampoo worked a LOT better than it did the first time I tried it. Which was good because I was too lazy and tired to actually wash my hair what with all the new vehicle downloading.

5:50am - Too early. **SNOOZE**

6:00am - Ugh. Still to early. **SNOOZE**

6:10am - Ok now I'm behind. Get up!

6:30am - Take the boyfriend to work. I'm still not really awake and he starts telling me all this stuff in the car but my brain isn't engaged yet so I'm confused and so I nod and smile anyway.

7:00am - OMG what am I doing! Still dinking around with my hair. Now I can't find the white t-shirt that goes with like all my work clothes. What is happening??

7:10am - Finally find white shirt. Rush around getting the cats locked away in their room for the day. Get them some food. Race around stuffing everything in my purse. Run back to the cat's room because I forgot my iPod. Race back to the kitchen and shove a bunch of Mt Dew, Ensure (yeah yuck it up - but it stays down!) and race cakes in a bag and run out the door.

7:15am - On the road 15 minutes too late! Why didn't I just get up at 6am?? Stupid.

7:40am - OMG there is a major backup on the beltline. Well of course. Stupid rush hour. Stupid me for not getting up on time!

7:50am- So close to the clinic! I'm at stop light waiting to turn left. The car ahead of me and myself are in the middle of the intersection when it turns yellow. We both speed up to get out of the way and complete the turn. As my car is crossing the path of the traffic coming straight on who also has a yellow light and probably red by now I look over to make sure nobody else is running the light. It appears as though they are all slowing down to a stop.

Suddenly some old guy like decides to gun it straight into my car! Luckily the boyfriend just replaced my front brakes and I'm a pro on the horn. I slam on both at the same time and the old guy comes with in inches of t-boning me. Awesome.

7:55am - Fly past parking ramp...structure? For my doctor's office. Since it's yet another office I haven't been in I wasn't familiar with their parking. Now I have to Do a few U turns including one into the intersection I almost got t-boned in. Awesome.

8:00am - Finally get to the correct ramp/structure? Get registered for the appointment. Do I want to pay my co-pay right now? Um...not really.

8:35am - Frantically text work that I am still with the doctor.

9:15am - Done! Yay. Wait. What's with the weather all of a sudden here? When I left it felt like it was getting warm and was totally sunny. Now it's gray and on the verge of rain. Plus it's cooled way down. Super. Because I didn't bring a jacket. Plus like three windows are open at home. Awesome.

9:25am - Stuck behind some slow ILLINOIS driver going up the on ramp for the beltline. Of course. As we near the beltline - which - I might add - is going at a completely frantic pace the driver slows down even MORE. Awesome. I'm going to die because people from Illinois are complete asshats. The merging is a complete mess wherein I almost get sideswiped because nobody currently on the beltline will move the hell over and the asshat from Illinois is going at a snails pace and also won't move over.

I have a lot of road rage - maybe this is obvious. However, not only was this totally justified, but it's the first time I wanted to pull somone out of their car and just scream at them about not killing the people on the road around you with your complete;u ass backwards ILLINOIS driving methods. Omg.

9:30am - Luckily Jim Gaffigan is on the Bob & Tom show - and has been all morning. I decide to try and breath will enjoying Jim's ruminations on Hot Pockets.

9:45am - Arrive at work. And in one piece!

10:00am - I don't even have my purse off my shoulder before a CSR sends a call to me. Thaaanks. You know what is really helpful? If you own a business - you should know the correct business name! I fail to understand how it's possible not to have this information. Aaaaand we're off!

10:15am - I basically get yelled at because lending law have changed....from 20 years ago! Ya think? Listen lady - there may have been a time when calling up a bank and giving a sob story, bitching about the current bank you are with, then claming to not have only worked in banking for 30 years but at the very bank I work at may have gotten you a lower rate or prehaps they simply opened a drawer full of money and asked you how much you wanted - but now? This is not the case. It's been twenty years. Once I quote you a rate range I don't care if you're Ghandi...there's nothing else I can do.

After this things improved greatly - and I kept down my chocolate Ensure lunch! Yay! Maybe smiling and trying to think happy thoughts does help? Or maybe someone figured I finally suffered enough!

Hey "My Name is Earl" producers...I'll be expecting my royalty check any day now. By the way - you're welcome

This is probably super creepy to most people, but I’ve been planning my funeral for some time now. I’ve attend a fair amount of funerals now and I’m pretty sure of what I want and don’t want going on at mine. Mainly this includes good music – of MY choosing and no tacky dressers. There will be no “Christmas Sweaters” or any other “holiday sweaters” worn to my funeral. Just no. Honestly, they shouldn’t be worn anywhere, and especially not at my funeral. You shall be clad in all black or you’re not getting in. End of story. So plan accordingly.

So anyway – a few weeks back the boyfriend and I were driving, and we happened to pass a funeral home. Suddenly the best idea ever popped into my head: what if….instead of being all boring and laying in a casket….I was sitting up in a CHAIR to greet people as they walked in? Fantastic! And totally unexpected. But mainly fantastic!

Then last night I was pretty convinced I was going to die, so I reminded the boyfriend about my chair plans, but I told him I guess if he wanted to throw my cello in front of me, that would be ok too. This led to a discussion regarding the use of animatronics to simulate my actual playing of the cello, as well as a cello track playing to enhance the effect. Just so long as the track playing is like Yo-Yo Ma or someone equally amazing. I mean people might as well remember me for the awesome cello player that I was – even if I was never anywhere near that level of good. It’s my funeral and you’ll remember me how I want damn it!

Well in between these two conversations occurring, I happened to randomly catch an episode of “My Name is Earl”. It was fairly uneventful to start, more of the “cross this person off my list and earn some good karma” yada yada…and then….then I saw John Waters. If you don’t know who John Waters is you need to leave now and go figure it out. I’m not going to explain it here because he’s just that awesome that I shouldn’t even need to. Go ahead…I’ll wait.

Ok! Awesome right? I know. Yeah so I see John Waters playing this "creative" funeral director and get this – it’s the same idea I had about mine! At this particular funeral home they set the people up doing the things that they loved in life – like sitting in a Lay-z-Boy, watching “the game” and eating chips. Or sitting at a computer and playing games. Whatever.

This did two things: 1) Scared me into wondering if secretly the producers of “My Name is Earl” have my car bugged and 2) Solidified that fact that sitting in a chair and greeting people at my funeral would, in fact, be, like, the coolest thing ever.

Basically expect my royalty check from “My Name is Earl” any day now. It’s really only fair – especially since I had the idea first….oh wait – I just looked this up and I guess I wasn’t technically first since that episode ran in like 2007. Still…..I think I at least deserve a check to acknowledge my awesomeness at coming up with it on my own!

Who knew kittens were so versitile?

In the before times, back when interest rates were in the 5's and you weren't scared to open your mutual fund statements I only went into Goodwill for Halloween attire. Now things have changed. I now go into Goodwill for the incredible savings - assuming you beat out the other eleventymillion people in the same situation (more on the Goodwill conspiracy later)

Anyway! The boyfriend is completely addicted to Goodwill - unlike myself he's always been popping in to check out the merchandise. Recently he got this really fantastic leather coat there that's lined with the most incredibly soft, cream colored lambs-wool like stuff. Except these lambs would have been really pampered lambs because this stuff is SOFT!

So he's been wearing it around at night even though it's fairly warm for this area at this time of year. The following is an actual conversation we had regarding said coat and it's incredible lining:

Me: So the coat feels like wearing kittens? Like my boots feel like putting kittens on your feet?

Boyfriend: Yes, exactly. Except better because I'm not allergic to it.