As you may or may not be aware I was fortunate enough to have to leave my beautiful old house near the river and go live with....MY MOM. Awesome. Now, I'm not going to complain too much, because without my mom's willingness to take in her 28 year old daughter, I'd have to live in my two door car. Which....really awesome.
The sad part is, my mom and I have a long history of....um....getting into multiple altercations. Which, I'm sure to the outside world can be quite colorful. I've decided to share some of the most recent conversations we've had. Keep in mind tthese actually happened.
Scene One:
SETTING: The Best Friend's House
CONVERSATION MODE: Telephone
WHEN: Two days after moving out of the house I was sharing with the Ex.
MOM: Oh, so I forgot to tell you that we don't actually have the Internet at the house
ME: I'm sorry...what? Because I'm pretty sure I made it quite clear that was one of the major things that I REQUIRE, especially since I have 8 hours of work to make up which, incidentally requires the Internet.
MOM: Well can't you go back to where you were and use it?
ME: What? Where? The house I just moved out of?? As in, the one containing NO furniture and the Ex?
MOM: What? Are you scared?
ME: Uh...yeah?
(Note: the night I decided to leave he got so intoxicated he couldn't stand and when he finally could he stood in our kitchen and said "I feel like....I feel like burning things. I feel like burning...BABIES" and proceeded to punch our PLASTER walls)
MOM: Oh...well then I don't know what you're going to do
ME: We're done talking now.
Scene Two:
SETTING: Kitchen in my mom's house
CONVERSATION MODE: In person
WHEN: Two weeks before Halloween
ME: Holy crap! I want to carve pumpkins!!
GARY (mom's husband): Yeah, me too.
ME: That would be so great. I was so excited to have a house to put them out in front of and now...gone.
GARY: We can carve pumpkins.
MOM: ....Well....are you going to be here?
ME: What?
MOM: Are you going to be here?
ME: For what?
MOM: To hand out candy??
ME: Eh?? What are you talking about?? I just want to carve pumpkins...and put them on the porch. It's what you do.
MOM: Well what do you want to do with them?
ME: I don't understand. I don't want to do anything with them. I just want to carve them and put them on the porch where they go.
MOM: And then what?
ME: And then put candles in them??
MOM: So are you going to be here then for the candy?
ME: We're done talking now.
**The rest of the conversation was Gary and me just kind of staring in puzzled confusion. We honestly just wanted to carve pumpkins. I have no idea what this had to do with passing out candy. None**
Scene Three:
SCENE: Parking lot and entryway of grocery store
CONVERSATION MODE: Phone
WHEN: Wednesday night
MOM: Where are you
ME: At the store
MOM: Well are you on the way back?
ME: What do you mean? You just watched me pull out of the driveway like 8 seconds ago. I can't possibly be on the way back already
MOM: Well I just didn't know
ME: Ok....
MOM: So....you want to park in the garage?
ME: No...that's ok. It's more hassle since I don't have an opener.
MOM: Well you can just wake me up.
ME: No really, it's fine.
MOM: Well I should get up
ME: That's crazy..nobody NEEDS to get up at 6:30am. Especially just to close the garage door.
MOM: Well then I can have Gary call me.
ME: Uh...really, it's not that big a deal.
MOM: Well...ok then. Are you coming back?
ME: When I'm done at the store.
** 30 minutes later**
SCENE: Back at my mom's house
CONVERSATION MODE: In person
MOM: I've decided something.
ME: Yeah?
MOM: Yeah...I'm going to handle your finances?
ME: Really?
MOM: Yeah...I think you should give me your money and I'll take care of banking it?
ME: Really? No.
MOM: Yeah....because you just spend, spend spend.
ME: What?
MOM: It's like you can't stop spending so, I think it would be best.
ME: Uh..I was at the grocery store. Buying food.
MOM: Well if it's something you need. But I mean then you're going to Ikea? Buy more junk? No.
ME: Yeah...we're done talking now.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
I'm pretty sure this is why Kevin, in Home Alone decided to live alone.
One of the things that The (now) Ex used to tell me was my “problem” was that everything had to be “the same” – meaning if I moved or we moved, that I would tend to place my belongings in much the same place that they had been in my previous residence. I’m not going to deny this is very much the truth, however, I’m not sure that I necessarily see a “problem” with this.
For instance, I had bought this lamp at one point, specifically for my desk, so that I could see when I was working on my computer at home. This lamp was, therefore, my, all together now: desk lamp. Meaning that, when I moved, I tended to put this lamp – where? That’s right, on my desk. Weird, right? I know – clearly this makes me certifiable.
Guess what? It’s coming time to move once again (I know, I know…when will it END??) and you know something? I probably WILL put things in much the same places they had been before. Why? So I can find them. Again – weird…right?
Yeah, I know this makes me, again, practically certifiable, but I like to stay sane by putting things where I can find them. So, if, then, for the rest of my life, I want to put my desk lamp on my desk, that’s what I’m going to do. If that makes me crazy, fine. If that bothers YOU…then don’t come over.
Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE redecorating. LOVE IT. If I had the money, my house would look totally kick-ass. It would also be floor to ceiling Ikea (what's great is that you can literally do that to - Ikea? Sells FLOORING!) Still, some of the basics are pretty much going to end up in the same place essentially no matter how many times you move or redecorate. It can’t be helped. End tables go by the couch, the couch goes in the living room, the TV stand goes under the TV, your home office supplies will go by your desk and your desk lamp? Will go on your desk. That’s how it works. At least in my insane world where the sky is blue and the grass is green and that’s just how it works.
For instance, I had bought this lamp at one point, specifically for my desk, so that I could see when I was working on my computer at home. This lamp was, therefore, my, all together now: desk lamp. Meaning that, when I moved, I tended to put this lamp – where? That’s right, on my desk. Weird, right? I know – clearly this makes me certifiable.
Guess what? It’s coming time to move once again (I know, I know…when will it END??) and you know something? I probably WILL put things in much the same places they had been before. Why? So I can find them. Again – weird…right?
Yeah, I know this makes me, again, practically certifiable, but I like to stay sane by putting things where I can find them. So, if, then, for the rest of my life, I want to put my desk lamp on my desk, that’s what I’m going to do. If that makes me crazy, fine. If that bothers YOU…then don’t come over.
Don’t get me wrong – I LOVE redecorating. LOVE IT. If I had the money, my house would look totally kick-ass. It would also be floor to ceiling Ikea (what's great is that you can literally do that to - Ikea? Sells FLOORING!) Still, some of the basics are pretty much going to end up in the same place essentially no matter how many times you move or redecorate. It can’t be helped. End tables go by the couch, the couch goes in the living room, the TV stand goes under the TV, your home office supplies will go by your desk and your desk lamp? Will go on your desk. That’s how it works. At least in my insane world where the sky is blue and the grass is green and that’s just how it works.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
I didn't want to do any more serious posts for awhile - but really this almost like a PSA, especially if your a manager somewhere
I've had a lot of jobs. Some good, some bad. I've also put up with a lot of shit from the public at these jobs. No surprise I suppose, but what is surprising is the way these issues were dealt with, or more accurately the lack of dealing with them. Let's take a little review shall we? **Note: If you stick with me on this you'll see the point after I cover 2009....it's worth it I promise!
* 1995 - 2003ish
I'm working at a small "shopper" newspaper. You talk about putting up with shit - that's pretty much all we did. It's truly amazing how angry people can get over a FREE paper. For instance:
- I got the paper and I don't want it
- I didn't get the paper and I DO want it
- I've been saving up ALLLLL the papers I get that I DON'T want so I can throw them at YOU!
etc.
For the most part I never felt in any danger until we got a new manager and I was threatened by a customer verbally over the phone and my manager at the time DID NOTHING. I guess he didn't realize that 99% of the time these people actually do act on on their actions. My co-worker HAD had papers thrown at her from a customer. Here I was working in a building, downtown, alone, at night. Thanks.
* 2003
I'm working in the northern part of the state as an intern. My co-worker, it turns out, had a stalker who was a paying patron of the music festival we put on. He would show up at the office, he would mail things, he would show up at wait at the shows. It got to the point where everyone started fearing for not only my co-worker but myself included since this guy apparently like this girls young and attractive.
There was a point where we were snuck out through the back of the theatre, in the dark, under cover, shoved into a board member's car, told to lay on the ground. We were driven to an alternate location at which point our cars were driven to us by orchestra members. Fun.
Yet - I was still told I had to show up at the office, before anyone else, ALONE, in a secluded area. AWESOME. This was AFTER our escape by cover of dark.
*2004
I'm back working in the northern part of the state at a different theatre. I get my first death threat by mail because I was trying to collect money owed on an Ad. Whose side did my manager take? Not mine. Again...AWESOME.
*2005 - 2007
I was working in collections. Threats were inevitable. We were in a secured building. Not too big of a deal.
*2007-2009
I'm working at a bank. This is more dangerous on a daily basis then you'd think. Aside from the constant potential of being robbed every second of every day that you are open, you're still dealing with the public so hello money wrench. I was cornered in my office/cube numerous time by crazy customers. People who had serious mental issues, smelled, and were yelling at me while sitting about 4 or 5 inches away. Where was my backup? Oh that's right - GOLFING. AWESOME.
This leads us to tonight. I was about one counter away from being attacked. See - right now my part time job is working at a gym. A health club. Did you get that? Let me just say it again one more time...a HEALTH. CLUB. A place where one would go if they want to get in shape, lose weight, that sort of thing. Are you with me? However...we also, beyond all reasonable explanations....sell BEER. Yes that's right - alcohol. I'm not gonna lie, I was a member of a different club at one time that also served alcohol but the MAJOR difference is that YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW, unless you were looking for it. This was an area practically separate from the club...different area....down some stairs....away from the front counter...I think you get my drift.
Where do OUR members drink. RIGHT. AT. THE. FRONT. COUNTER It's embarrassing. Especially when you watch potential members walk out because who wants to walk into a HEALTH CLUB that has a bar atmosphere? Exactly.
So tonight. We are crazy busy with memberships. Also we never have enough people to actually cover this sort of situation. Additionally, it's basketball night which means all the crazy b-ballers will be stopping up to drink after their game. This also means that while we are running our butts off trying to sell new members on the club - we're also dealing with a bunch of loud mouth dunks demanding more beer.
Right off the bat bunch of them make a stink because we don't have the EXACT beer they want to drink. I kind of just snap inside and whip around and firmly remind them this is NOT A BAR. They know what we serve but if we don't have it - it's not really our obligation. WE ARE NOT A BAR. At this point I get called a Bitch by one of the members who - and this is really great - is a woman, is NOT a basketball player and DID NOT WORK OUT. She just swung by to DRINK AT THE GYM!
Fine - so at this point I decide I'm not with the whole situation and just stay my distance. Only all these people are calling their friends to come over and then we realize it's one guy's birthday. They are celebrating his birthday by DRINKING AT THE GYM. What??
It progressively gets rowdier and rowdier. Myself and my co-worker are getting progressively more and more annoyed. Pretty much the entire time I'm being harassed by this woman who called me a bitch at practically EVERY opportunity. Which is awesome and I don't say anything because - at this point - even though I may have been slightly out of line with my "Hello this is not a bar" comment...she was the one who was swearing and harassing ME. So at this point I know I have the upper hand and I fully intend on keeping it.
Around 9pm one of the quieter guys makes a comment about "really cleaning out the cage tonight" Meaning they practically drank all the beer in the cooler. My response: "Yeah..good job." Apparently now it was also game on.
He gets all offended and can't believe I'm not just Ecstatically excited about this awesome feat in drinking history...apparently. I explain that this sort of behavior looks really bad for the club and they had, in fact, driven away potential new member, essentially costing us hundreds of dollars. I decide to leave it at that and just keep doing my job.
This would be when the one member who has pretty much always made it his job to press my buttons starts in. I just look at him and calmly ask him to just stop talking and leave it alone. He didn't like this.
He's a bulkier guy, and when he gets mad....he's pretty much in an uncontrollable RAGE. So he stands up to his full height and flexes his arms and proceeds to RAGE at me about respecting him and not telling him to stop talking etc. I ask him again to just leave it alone and just stop. No dice.
This is when I start looking for the number for the police. Of course I can't find it. Face with the threat of the police showing up the other "drinkin' buddies" flee. Luckily my co-worker stepped between me and the rager. The remaining "drinkin' buddies" attempt to calm dude down, but to no avail and I STILL CAN'T FIND THE DAMN NON-EMERGENCY NUMBER.
Finally I remember it's in my cell phone and I run to the back to get my purse. Meanwhile my co-worker is on the phone frantically trying to reach our manager who left HOURS earlier.
During this time - I also get threatened by the "drinkin' buddies" on their way out since, usually, our manager is on their side. So they assume a simple complaint about ME will fix it for THEM. Well that's fine since I have the paying members on my side.
I also have witnesses. Many, many witnesses.
The ONLY person who came to my rescue...aside from my co-worker....was an older member. Everyone else, either left...or hid apparently. AWESOME.
Plus we have no manager ON SITE. REALLY AWESOME.
Once we finally reach our manager via phone, he informs us he can't really deal with it right now, basically encouraged me to NOT call the police even though the remaining members thought it would be a better idea.
All in all it was a big mess.
Meanwhile the maintenance crew start filtering in and they can tell something is horribly wrong. One of the gentlemen..ends up being assigned to walk me to my car when we leave that night. Which I'm soooo grateful for. In fact he was getting pretty pumped for a confrontation. It made me laugh a little which was nice.
I'm really sickened by this whole thing. For a number of reasons. The drinking being almost first and foremost. Especially since I just dealt with this with the ex.
I feel like I should be volunteering to do DARE talks. You want to know why you shouldn't abuse drugs and alcohol? Here let me tell you some stories.
Or maybe I should become some sort of advocate for workers who feel harassed or ARE harassed in the workplace and have nobody to count on to help them out or be there for them. It's ridiculous. And to basically be encouraged to NOT call the police for MY OWN safety?? You must be kidding.
More to come I'm sure once this whole thing gets sorted out.
* 1995 - 2003ish
I'm working at a small "shopper" newspaper. You talk about putting up with shit - that's pretty much all we did. It's truly amazing how angry people can get over a FREE paper. For instance:
- I got the paper and I don't want it
- I didn't get the paper and I DO want it
- I've been saving up ALLLLL the papers I get that I DON'T want so I can throw them at YOU!
etc.
For the most part I never felt in any danger until we got a new manager and I was threatened by a customer verbally over the phone and my manager at the time DID NOTHING. I guess he didn't realize that 99% of the time these people actually do act on on their actions. My co-worker HAD had papers thrown at her from a customer. Here I was working in a building, downtown, alone, at night. Thanks.
* 2003
I'm working in the northern part of the state as an intern. My co-worker, it turns out, had a stalker who was a paying patron of the music festival we put on. He would show up at the office, he would mail things, he would show up at wait at the shows. It got to the point where everyone started fearing for not only my co-worker but myself included since this guy apparently like this girls young and attractive.
There was a point where we were snuck out through the back of the theatre, in the dark, under cover, shoved into a board member's car, told to lay on the ground. We were driven to an alternate location at which point our cars were driven to us by orchestra members. Fun.
Yet - I was still told I had to show up at the office, before anyone else, ALONE, in a secluded area. AWESOME. This was AFTER our escape by cover of dark.
*2004
I'm back working in the northern part of the state at a different theatre. I get my first death threat by mail because I was trying to collect money owed on an Ad. Whose side did my manager take? Not mine. Again...AWESOME.
*2005 - 2007
I was working in collections. Threats were inevitable. We were in a secured building. Not too big of a deal.
*2007-2009
I'm working at a bank. This is more dangerous on a daily basis then you'd think. Aside from the constant potential of being robbed every second of every day that you are open, you're still dealing with the public so hello money wrench. I was cornered in my office/cube numerous time by crazy customers. People who had serious mental issues, smelled, and were yelling at me while sitting about 4 or 5 inches away. Where was my backup? Oh that's right - GOLFING. AWESOME.
This leads us to tonight. I was about one counter away from being attacked. See - right now my part time job is working at a gym. A health club. Did you get that? Let me just say it again one more time...a HEALTH. CLUB. A place where one would go if they want to get in shape, lose weight, that sort of thing. Are you with me? However...we also, beyond all reasonable explanations....sell BEER. Yes that's right - alcohol. I'm not gonna lie, I was a member of a different club at one time that also served alcohol but the MAJOR difference is that YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW, unless you were looking for it. This was an area practically separate from the club...different area....down some stairs....away from the front counter...I think you get my drift.
Where do OUR members drink. RIGHT. AT. THE. FRONT. COUNTER It's embarrassing. Especially when you watch potential members walk out because who wants to walk into a HEALTH CLUB that has a bar atmosphere? Exactly.
So tonight. We are crazy busy with memberships. Also we never have enough people to actually cover this sort of situation. Additionally, it's basketball night which means all the crazy b-ballers will be stopping up to drink after their game. This also means that while we are running our butts off trying to sell new members on the club - we're also dealing with a bunch of loud mouth dunks demanding more beer.
Right off the bat bunch of them make a stink because we don't have the EXACT beer they want to drink. I kind of just snap inside and whip around and firmly remind them this is NOT A BAR. They know what we serve but if we don't have it - it's not really our obligation. WE ARE NOT A BAR. At this point I get called a Bitch by one of the members who - and this is really great - is a woman, is NOT a basketball player and DID NOT WORK OUT. She just swung by to DRINK AT THE GYM!
Fine - so at this point I decide I'm not with the whole situation and just stay my distance. Only all these people are calling their friends to come over and then we realize it's one guy's birthday. They are celebrating his birthday by DRINKING AT THE GYM. What??
It progressively gets rowdier and rowdier. Myself and my co-worker are getting progressively more and more annoyed. Pretty much the entire time I'm being harassed by this woman who called me a bitch at practically EVERY opportunity. Which is awesome and I don't say anything because - at this point - even though I may have been slightly out of line with my "Hello this is not a bar" comment...she was the one who was swearing and harassing ME. So at this point I know I have the upper hand and I fully intend on keeping it.
Around 9pm one of the quieter guys makes a comment about "really cleaning out the cage tonight" Meaning they practically drank all the beer in the cooler. My response: "Yeah..good job." Apparently now it was also game on.
He gets all offended and can't believe I'm not just Ecstatically excited about this awesome feat in drinking history...apparently. I explain that this sort of behavior looks really bad for the club and they had, in fact, driven away potential new member, essentially costing us hundreds of dollars. I decide to leave it at that and just keep doing my job.
This would be when the one member who has pretty much always made it his job to press my buttons starts in. I just look at him and calmly ask him to just stop talking and leave it alone. He didn't like this.
He's a bulkier guy, and when he gets mad....he's pretty much in an uncontrollable RAGE. So he stands up to his full height and flexes his arms and proceeds to RAGE at me about respecting him and not telling him to stop talking etc. I ask him again to just leave it alone and just stop. No dice.
This is when I start looking for the number for the police. Of course I can't find it. Face with the threat of the police showing up the other "drinkin' buddies" flee. Luckily my co-worker stepped between me and the rager. The remaining "drinkin' buddies" attempt to calm dude down, but to no avail and I STILL CAN'T FIND THE DAMN NON-EMERGENCY NUMBER.
Finally I remember it's in my cell phone and I run to the back to get my purse. Meanwhile my co-worker is on the phone frantically trying to reach our manager who left HOURS earlier.
During this time - I also get threatened by the "drinkin' buddies" on their way out since, usually, our manager is on their side. So they assume a simple complaint about ME will fix it for THEM. Well that's fine since I have the paying members on my side.
I also have witnesses. Many, many witnesses.
The ONLY person who came to my rescue...aside from my co-worker....was an older member. Everyone else, either left...or hid apparently. AWESOME.
Plus we have no manager ON SITE. REALLY AWESOME.
Once we finally reach our manager via phone, he informs us he can't really deal with it right now, basically encouraged me to NOT call the police even though the remaining members thought it would be a better idea.
All in all it was a big mess.
Meanwhile the maintenance crew start filtering in and they can tell something is horribly wrong. One of the gentlemen..ends up being assigned to walk me to my car when we leave that night. Which I'm soooo grateful for. In fact he was getting pretty pumped for a confrontation. It made me laugh a little which was nice.
I'm really sickened by this whole thing. For a number of reasons. The drinking being almost first and foremost. Especially since I just dealt with this with the ex.
I feel like I should be volunteering to do DARE talks. You want to know why you shouldn't abuse drugs and alcohol? Here let me tell you some stories.
Or maybe I should become some sort of advocate for workers who feel harassed or ARE harassed in the workplace and have nobody to count on to help them out or be there for them. It's ridiculous. And to basically be encouraged to NOT call the police for MY OWN safety?? You must be kidding.
More to come I'm sure once this whole thing gets sorted out.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I'm BAAAAA-AACK and about to regale you with more stories from the WC. You're welcome.
So I pop into the bathroom at work and the first stall I try - the toilet is filled with pee and toilet paper. Which…gross. Especially at work. So I move on to the next one since It’s not my job to flush after you. But I’m sitting there and I get to thinking – how, exactly, does that even HAPPEN? I mean, were you peeing and then suddenly you were all “I’m supposed to be in a meeting!” and you just wipe and run? Did you simply forget that you had just peed, yet remembered to wipe? I just don’t understand this – it blew my mind.
THEN…
I’m still sitting there and someone else walks in and goes directly to the pee toilet. I assumed this person would turn and walk away, like I had, and choose another stall – there were three more open after all. But no. She enters. So ok – and this point I’m thinking she’s clearly a better person than I am (or just willing to put up with more gross co-workers). I’m assuming, however, that she will flush first, since….gross. I mean just…imagine. But…once again….nooo. She does her business, flushes…and goes to wash her hands.
So at this point – I’m thinking maybe it was already her pee, like maybe she came in the first time, does her thing, remembers this random meeting, or call, or whatever….wipes and runs planning, the entire time, to come back later and finish and flush.
Or maybe …. I’ve spent too much time contemplating this whole situation and should seek professional help. And apparently so should Ms. Multi-pee. You know, if you're asking me.
THEN…
I’m still sitting there and someone else walks in and goes directly to the pee toilet. I assumed this person would turn and walk away, like I had, and choose another stall – there were three more open after all. But no. She enters. So ok – and this point I’m thinking she’s clearly a better person than I am (or just willing to put up with more gross co-workers). I’m assuming, however, that she will flush first, since….gross. I mean just…imagine. But…once again….nooo. She does her business, flushes…and goes to wash her hands.
So at this point – I’m thinking maybe it was already her pee, like maybe she came in the first time, does her thing, remembers this random meeting, or call, or whatever….wipes and runs planning, the entire time, to come back later and finish and flush.
Or maybe …. I’ve spent too much time contemplating this whole situation and should seek professional help. And apparently so should Ms. Multi-pee. You know, if you're asking me.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sometimes the best way to learn is to just let yourself go through it
Wow. So. Once again the drama is full force up in here. I'm sure you'd expect nothing less at this point. At least it keep the people entertained right? Everyone probably needs to know someone like that - if for no other reason then you can then breath a sigh of relief and be thankful that this crap doesn't happen to you - or at least on a fairly regular basis.
In short:
1) the Boyfriend started drinking again - which is BAD if you are an addict who, at one point, went to rehab for this.
2) It all came to a head on a Thursday night when I finally made plans to leave on Saturday. However, that night got so out of hand, it turned out FRIDAY was the big day.
3) By Saturday, all mt stuff was in storage and the essentials are with me at my mom's
4) Yeah - I'm 28 and I had to move back in with my mom.
5) My landlord would like me back in the house, but now the Boyfriend (I guess I should change that to EX - Boyfriend) won't leave. Never mind that I was the one paying all the bills before.
6) You know that song - the Counting Crows one? Long December? Guess who they were talking about - they just didn't know it yet.
Here's the thing - IT'S OKAY! For the last year a half I've been babysitting a 35 year old man - essentially. We were constantly cycing through these insane patterns of him being in control and then being dangerously out of control. When he went into rehab on his birthday in March I was thrilled.
I thought "THIS is why I stayed this whole time - I KNEW with enough support and love he'd realize he was worth this - that life was worth it"
I guess I thought he could be saved. From what I don't know - maybe himself.
And things were good from March until August. Until the day before my birthday. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it finally had. I was completely devistated. The writing was on the wall and at that point I figured it would only be a matter of time.
Now, I know, there's nothing I can do. Even though rehab was his idea the first time, even if it is again, he's got too much else going on in his head. He's his own worst enemy.
At first it hurt thinking that he'll find someone else - because that's what people who are master manipulators do. They move on to the next person willing to put up with the drinking and drugs and deep dark depressions. Willing to change their entire life to make sure he can have a better one.
He doesn't want that though.
He doesn't know how.
I thought when his friend passed away - a friend he was in rehab with - it would be a wake up call. Apparently he still can't see the very real consequences of his actions.
So I'll end with this - it's a quote from a song that even though I had listened to this song many times before, I never picked up on this line specifically, until right before we broke up and I had to leave the home that I love:
"There's a pattern in the system, there's a bullet in the gun, that's why I tried to save you, but it can't be done. It can't be done. " - Emily Haines Our Hell
In short:
1) the Boyfriend started drinking again - which is BAD if you are an addict who, at one point, went to rehab for this.
2) It all came to a head on a Thursday night when I finally made plans to leave on Saturday. However, that night got so out of hand, it turned out FRIDAY was the big day.
3) By Saturday, all mt stuff was in storage and the essentials are with me at my mom's
4) Yeah - I'm 28 and I had to move back in with my mom.
5) My landlord would like me back in the house, but now the Boyfriend (I guess I should change that to EX - Boyfriend) won't leave. Never mind that I was the one paying all the bills before.
6) You know that song - the Counting Crows one? Long December? Guess who they were talking about - they just didn't know it yet.
Here's the thing - IT'S OKAY! For the last year a half I've been babysitting a 35 year old man - essentially. We were constantly cycing through these insane patterns of him being in control and then being dangerously out of control. When he went into rehab on his birthday in March I was thrilled.
I thought "THIS is why I stayed this whole time - I KNEW with enough support and love he'd realize he was worth this - that life was worth it"
I guess I thought he could be saved. From what I don't know - maybe himself.
And things were good from March until August. Until the day before my birthday. I had been waiting for the other shoe to drop and it finally had. I was completely devistated. The writing was on the wall and at that point I figured it would only be a matter of time.
Now, I know, there's nothing I can do. Even though rehab was his idea the first time, even if it is again, he's got too much else going on in his head. He's his own worst enemy.
At first it hurt thinking that he'll find someone else - because that's what people who are master manipulators do. They move on to the next person willing to put up with the drinking and drugs and deep dark depressions. Willing to change their entire life to make sure he can have a better one.
He doesn't want that though.
He doesn't know how.
I thought when his friend passed away - a friend he was in rehab with - it would be a wake up call. Apparently he still can't see the very real consequences of his actions.
So I'll end with this - it's a quote from a song that even though I had listened to this song many times before, I never picked up on this line specifically, until right before we broke up and I had to leave the home that I love:
"There's a pattern in the system, there's a bullet in the gun, that's why I tried to save you, but it can't be done. It can't be done. " - Emily Haines Our Hell
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Deep thoughts, by Megan Handy
So you know that one - "There's a thin line between love and hate?"
I'm sure we've all been there at one time or another.
It still blows my mind how true this is.
How in the course of one day you can go from feeling completely in love to hardly even being able to look that person in the eye.
How one second you're absolutely sure they would do anything for you, to wondering when they became the most selfish person you know.
How far though, can you cross the line before you can't go back?
Could you ever go back?
Would you want to?
Sometimes you just keep straddling the line, hopping from one side to the other like you're on fire.
Eventually that fire is either going to go out, or completely consume you.
Either way you're going to go up in flames.
Is there ever a time you can get far enough away from the line? Far enough to not make that short skip to hate?
What happens then?
Do you still go up in flames?
Does the love consume you so completely that you can't go back to who you were?
Do you lose yourself?
Do you lose either way?
Do you have to?
Maybe this is all in vain - all this wondering, contemplating, analyzing.
Maybe I'll turn around and someone will say hey "Them's the rules"
Do they have to be?
How do you break the cycle?
Or does it even matter.
Once it's broken with one person, you'll surely enter it again.
The love, the hate, the love.
Back and forth
Like God's playing ping pong with your heart.
With your emotions.
Your life.
Why can't the game just stop without having to fall right off the table.
Can you control the fall?
Can't you just stand up and scream "Enough!"
Maybe if you scream loud enough everyone will finally just shut up and listen.
Maybe then you can get a handle on things.
Then again....
Maybe you won't.
I'm sure we've all been there at one time or another.
It still blows my mind how true this is.
How in the course of one day you can go from feeling completely in love to hardly even being able to look that person in the eye.
How one second you're absolutely sure they would do anything for you, to wondering when they became the most selfish person you know.
How far though, can you cross the line before you can't go back?
Could you ever go back?
Would you want to?
Sometimes you just keep straddling the line, hopping from one side to the other like you're on fire.
Eventually that fire is either going to go out, or completely consume you.
Either way you're going to go up in flames.
Is there ever a time you can get far enough away from the line? Far enough to not make that short skip to hate?
What happens then?
Do you still go up in flames?
Does the love consume you so completely that you can't go back to who you were?
Do you lose yourself?
Do you lose either way?
Do you have to?
Maybe this is all in vain - all this wondering, contemplating, analyzing.
Maybe I'll turn around and someone will say hey "Them's the rules"
Do they have to be?
How do you break the cycle?
Or does it even matter.
Once it's broken with one person, you'll surely enter it again.
The love, the hate, the love.
Back and forth
Like God's playing ping pong with your heart.
With your emotions.
Your life.
Why can't the game just stop without having to fall right off the table.
Can you control the fall?
Can't you just stand up and scream "Enough!"
Maybe if you scream loud enough everyone will finally just shut up and listen.
Maybe then you can get a handle on things.
Then again....
Maybe you won't.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I know you thought the day would never come, you were wrong
Remember those pics I mentioned like WAY back in the day? The ones from the Boyfriend's gig at the coffee shop? Where I took so many test shots that I only got like ONE actual picture of him playing? Well - in the spirit of finally, finally starting to get some stuff done. Stuff that's been hanging over my head and mocking me each and every day it remains undone, I proudly present to you...**drum roll**
Pictures! Behold!
- One of the random shots I took while trying to figure out what setting to use on my camera, thanks to Picnik it ended up looking pretty sah-weet -
- Another coffee shop test picture. In "real life" it's this pretty cool partial bust in plaster of paris or something -
- Yet another test shot (yeah it's really NO WONDER I had no battery power left when the Boyfriend got up there!) I really like those coffee mug planters though -
- Hum...whatever could this possibly be?? Maybe it's yet another test shot...and NOT a picture of the actual show... -
- Aaaaand here it is! The ONE picture that was the reason for al the rest...The Boyfriend! -
- This one is big time courtesy of Picnik. Same Boyfriend pic with like 5 Picnik effects. Nice...right? -
Then - there was mention of some fabulous flowers inhabiting my yard. Of course they are no longer blooming - probably mostly because I suck at growing stuff. Here's what they used to look like.
- Georgeous! -
- I wish I would have known how to make these beautiful and blooming for longer than the week that they lasted -
Lastly the infamous blue mac and cheese. Remember that this was gluten free and I had added blue cheese and then let it sit for a few days. Apparently this shouldn't be done.
- This, probably pretty obviously, was the pic where I try and make smurf blue mac and cheese look "arty" -
Well - that's all she wrote for right now! I'm hoping to get some pics up of the bridal shower I recently threw for my friend. Hopefully sooner than i managed to get these taken care of. Have a GREAT weekend!
Pictures! Behold!
- One of the random shots I took while trying to figure out what setting to use on my camera, thanks to Picnik it ended up looking pretty sah-weet -
- Another coffee shop test picture. In "real life" it's this pretty cool partial bust in plaster of paris or something -
- Yet another test shot (yeah it's really NO WONDER I had no battery power left when the Boyfriend got up there!) I really like those coffee mug planters though -
- Hum...whatever could this possibly be?? Maybe it's yet another test shot...and NOT a picture of the actual show... -
- Aaaaand here it is! The ONE picture that was the reason for al the rest...The Boyfriend! -
- This one is big time courtesy of Picnik. Same Boyfriend pic with like 5 Picnik effects. Nice...right? -
Then - there was mention of some fabulous flowers inhabiting my yard. Of course they are no longer blooming - probably mostly because I suck at growing stuff. Here's what they used to look like.
- Georgeous! -
- I wish I would have known how to make these beautiful and blooming for longer than the week that they lasted -
Lastly the infamous blue mac and cheese. Remember that this was gluten free and I had added blue cheese and then let it sit for a few days. Apparently this shouldn't be done.
- This, probably pretty obviously, was the pic where I try and make smurf blue mac and cheese look "arty" -
Well - that's all she wrote for right now! I'm hoping to get some pics up of the bridal shower I recently threw for my friend. Hopefully sooner than i managed to get these taken care of. Have a GREAT weekend!
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